a) If someone farts in my car I know EXACTLY who it is (not me of course, I suffer from a debilitating disease that doesn't allow me to fart outside of my own washroom. It's called Shame, maybe you've heard of it)
b) There is to be no nose picking followed by flicking in my car
c) I can turn my music up as loud as I want and you can say shit old people
This morning I was riding on the train and this old man the first TWO of the above three. He LEANED to one side before he passed some rancid gas! He leaned!!! I was sitting the corner of the two-seaters and this guy was sitting in the first seat of the three-seaters right in front of me. He was working on his little sudoku puzzle in the paper and I saw him lean. I laugh a little to myself cause I know a couple of family members who lean, just like that, before the let it rip. Mind you, they only carry-on these ways in the comforts of their own home... and sometimes mine... but that's another rant all together. I thought that there was no way this man would execute "the lean" before punishing us all for the burrito he enjoyed last night. Obviously, when the pungent odour hit my nose holes, I realized I was wrong. Then he had the nerve to look around and see if anyone noticed. I NOTICED!! For a moment I thought I was the only one. That maybe I had just created the smell in my mind because I needed another reason to hate the TTC and he had done "the lean" but he wasn't getting something from his pocket or anything. Just then, a lady got on at the next stop and went to sit in the seat next to him... if you could have seen her face turn up!!! And the scowl!! LOL She went and sat way down at the other end of the train. Ha ha ha ha. Foulness. Yea, yea, yea. He's old, maybe he can't control it. He can damn well control the nose diggin though. The man went mining for nuggets in plain sight and FLICKED.. IT! It's 7:45 in the morning buddy, there is no chance that no one saw that! People don't have shame anymore?
Please people, for the love of my nostrils. STOP FARTING ON THE RUSH HOUR TRAINS!! I don't plan enough extra time in my morning commute to allow me to get off the train and wait for another one that doesn't smell like hard-boiled egg and sour milk.
Four words: Walk left, stand right. Not sayin anymore. Google it. There's songs about it. I swear. Google it.
For the hefty rocket rider, it may need to be changed to waddle left(which you probably won't do), squeeze futher to the right. Either way, MOVE!! Take the elevator. If The Simpsons has taught me nothing else, fat people are considered handicapped after a certain weight and can order special dialing wands if they mash the keypad with their palm, now.He he he, that's funny.
Therefore, that elevator is there for you. Get your 3 dollars worth and ride that thing till you break it, which may not take too many trips depending on the level of your handicap (how fat you are). Lol. Anyways, I digress. Nothing pisses me off more than when I'm late (which is often/always) and I get a good stride going and some girlfriend/boyfriend feels that they must hold hands, side-by-side on the escalator. 30 seconds later, at the top of the escalator, I missed the train. 5 mins later, when the next train comes, I'm 5 mins late/later for work. Why do the rest of us have to suffer because you wanna have a PDA? MOVE!! Or feel the wrath of one of the longest teeth-suckins you'll ever experience and a cut-eye that will cut you through my sunglasses... or I might just say excuse me. Results may vary depending on day of the week and time of day. OK, NOW I'm not sayin anymore.
OK, am I the only person who notices when the train driver ain't too good at breaking? Like, sometimes, when I have to stand on the Yonge train in the morning, I swear the new guy is driving/learning how to drive. You'll know what I mean if you look around when they're pulling into the station and everyone's stumbling all over the place cause he don't stop with one fluid motion. It's always like, screech...... screeeech... scr.... screeeeeeeeech........ screeceeeeeh...... and then one more right at the end when you thought he was done... screech... and that's when the fat lady falls on you cause she thought she didn't have to hold the pole. Please stop training the new guys on the rush hour trains. It's too early in the morning and there are way too many people on the train for this shit. I miss you Honda.
