The floor ain't always that dirty... right?

All right. So I have a confession to make.. Whilst on my date with Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza, he asked me for a drink. I'm not a horrible host so I offered him a chilled beverage. He had to have ice. Now, this happened in between the football game and the sorry attempt to beg for a kiss. I'm not really a fan of ice in my drink because I think it waters it down, so my ice tray wasn't fully stocked. So, not only was ice kinda old but there were only so many cubes in the tray. Now, as I'm struggling to get the ice cubes out of my ice cube tray, one of the cubes so happened to jump out.... and fall on the floor.

So, you know what I was thinking right... Hehe... Should I... Shouldn't I. I am looking at the ice cube, at the glass, back at the dude, back the ice cube again, dude's not looking....

Here comes that little devil on your shoulder that's like, "Do it. That cheap ass man deserves it. Do it." But then, the little angel showed up on the other shoulder and was like... "DO IT!! The floor ain't THAT dirty. Jesus will forgive you. It was karma that made that ice cube fall on the ground anyways. DO IT!!" My angels and devils come from a different breed than most.

So, I picked it up, plopped it in the drink and presented it to him with a smile. In hind sight.... I'm glad I did.

29 Dimensions of Comapatibility MY ASS!!

Needless to say, Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza has been blocked and deleted from my facebook page and my life. Did I tell him why? No, because some one's mother (not mine, cause she's as rude as I am) said, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." yadda yadda yadda. So, I said nothing.




Anywho, let's talk about the big dog. I know we all have been bombarded by the constant commercials for Eharmony with all the mediocre looking people talking about how they are married and it was love a first click.. blah, blah, blah. Just in case you've been hiding under a rock or you were too broke to pay your cable bill... Take a look below.







Now, I KNOW, some of you have been wondering if you should spend your hard earned money on this site, because I wondered as well. They make it seem so deep and well thought out. I decided, as pessimistic and cynical as I am, that I was gonna bite the bullet and take one for the team. I won't pay them two red cents, but I will peruse every aspect of the free portions of the site, as few and far between as they might be. Note the pricing plan below:

1 month for CAD$59.95
3 months for CAD$119.85 (amounting to CAD$39.95 a month).
6 months for CAD$179.70 (amounting to CAD$29.95 a month).
12 months for CAD$239.40 (amounting to CAD$19.95 a month).
12 months for 3 payments of CAD$79.80 (amounting to CAD$19.95 a month).

For this much money you would think they would go on the dates for you and only bring you the winners. Sorry, but no. If you don't pay, you don't see pictures. You are supposed to fall in love off of personality and all of their "29 Dimensions of Compatibility". Bulls**t.




So after answering about 100 of the following styled questions (#14 and 19 are my favs) with these answers:

• not at all


• somewhat


• very much

1.I do things according to a plan.
2.I take time out for others.
3.I feel unable to deal with things.
4.I love to help others.
5.I seek adventure.
6.I often leave a mess in my room.
7.I often carry the conversation to a higher level.
8.I get stressed out easily.
9.I often make others feel good.
10.I am good at analyzing problems.
11.I usually stand up for myself.
12.I am easily discouraged.
13.I can handle a lot of information.
14.I waste my time.
15.I catch on to things quickly.
16.I usually wait for others to lead the way.
17.I love order and regularity.
18.I often do nice things for people.
19.I get angry easily.

I was done. I am ready to be matched with Mr. Right, right now. I get my email that says, here he is Jammy... Mr. Right:

The "About Me" information below will help you learn more about Mr Right. You first viewed this information on August 22, 2009, 01:07AM PDT.

The one thing Mr. Right is most passionate about:

• chess, checkers swiming and jog

The three things which Mr. Right is most thankful for:

• im honest and smart


• i'm sesetive


• im a good listerner and caring

The most influential person in Mr. Right's life has been:

• my best friend cause she always there for when i need an advise or to talk things out

Mr. Right's friends describe him as:

• Hard Working


• Good Listener


• Funny


• Warm

The most important thing Mr. Right is looking for in a person is:

• honestly and show love back

The first thing you'll probably notice about Mr. Right when you meet him:

• im friendly n honest

The one thing Mr. Right wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

• im sensetive

Mr. Right typically spends his leisure time:

• compure.jog and video games

The things Mr. Right can't live without are:

• love


• friends


• family


• food


• money

The last book Mr. Right read and enjoyed:

• hunchback of notre dame

One thing that only Mr. Right's best friends know is:

• i cry when i get my feelings hurt

Some additional information Mr. Right wanted you to know is:

• im fun and i like to have good time like dine out, movie ro just go for a walk

Wow, I can hear the birds singing and the heavens have opened up.. no... wait... those birds aren't singing, they're sitting up there with Jesus, Mary and Joseph and they're LAUGHING at me. Sh*t.

I like walking on the beach, crying at movies... Oh you`re a dude!! Uh huh...

Look at that, nice specimen. Can't really see the face.. probably a reason for that. I stumbled upon him whilst looking at the profiles of those who had looked at my profile on POF. Let`s take a look at the profile:

Hi Ladies!I am a man who believes in many things....I believe in Making mistakes and learning from them, that is why they're called "lessons". I believe in Honesty, Respect, Romance, Open Communication, Loyalty, Sincerity, Love, Friends and Family. I believe that there are NO coincidences in life, that "everything happens for a reason". I try and live each day in the "here and the now"...it's a work in progress at times, but I'm getting there.I believe in "The Law of Attraction" and "to treat people the way you want to be treated", they may all sound cliche, but I try and live by them all daily. Being true to one's self is key in being true to everyone else around you. This journey we call "life" has sooo much to offer us, it's all there for the taking....so, let's do it!

So far, so good. No spelling mistakes and proper punctuation too. Wait, there`s some more:

Things I love: Honesty, Open Communication, Holding hands, Touching, Kissing, Loving, Spooning, Thunderstorms, The Sun, Sand between my toes, Cooking, Sharing, Scary movies, My faith in God, My family, My friends, Nature, Walks, Massages (body and foot, wink) The occasional indulgence of Milk Chocolate, Mangos, Red Wine, Great Food, Great company,Music, from Frank to U2, Laughing and Fidelity. Is it too much to ask that I want the same in a partner? I hope not, because the above mentioned traits are what I look for in someone.

Wha? Spooning? This is the same dude? Which manly man actually admits these things online? Oh... No. I'm just gonna go ahead and press this here back button. Boo-urns.

Let's check the POF Inbox, Oh... shouldn't have done that..

If you haven't been tuning in.... shame on you. POF is short for plentyoffish.com , a 90% free online dating site that has been providing me with waaaay more entertainment than Eharmony. POF is where I reconnected with Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza. I really like POF better because it lets you peruse profiles at your leisure, as apposed to having to wait for Eharmony to "match" you with a person. I also like the fact that you can limit who can contact you after viewing your profile. Such as, I do not wish to be contacted by anyone:

• over 33


• who's relationship status is "Married"


• who is looking for an "intimate encounter"


• who is looking for an "activity partner"


• who does drugs


• who smokes (sorry to all my friends who smoke, but I don't kiss ashtrays)


• that has a picture on their profile

How many times have you been grossed out by that man who was twice your age trying to add you on facebook?... or even on the street for that matter. Eeeew.

So, enough of my reviews. Let's open up the inbox(Note: No grammar has been changed):

hey hun how are you, is it okay if we talk?

Do not adjust you monitor, his face is that GREEEEEZY!! Are you really trying to tell me that is the best picture that you could find? Really? C'mon breddrin.

dammm sweetie with a smile like that where have u ben all my life lol

Not horrible. Let's open up the profile:

WHICH ONE R U HUH???? Sisters get respect, Bytchez get what they deserve SIsters work hard, Bytchez work your nerves Sisters hold you down, Bytchez hold you up Sisters help you progress, Bytchez will slow you up Sisters cook up a meal, play their role with the kids Bytchez in street with their nose in your biz Sisters tell the truth, Bytchez tell lies Sisters drivecars, Bytchez wanna ride Sisters give-up the azz, Bytchez give-up the azz Sisters do it slow, Bytchez do it fast Sisters do their dirt outside of where they live Bytchez have Niccaz all up in your crib Sisters tell you quick "you better checkyour homie" Bytchez don`t give afukk, they wanna check for your homie Sisters love J cuz they know how `J is I love my sisters, I don`t love bytchez

Wow, I mean... If you're gonna call someone a bitch.. could you at least spell it right. Don`t ask me why that`s the biggest problem I found with this profile. Edit to my profile: Poor spellers need not apply.

Do you date online? Have you had a date that was worse than mine? Probably not, unless you actually dated Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza. Either way, even if it was just a blind date, let me know in the comments section.

If you have to ask for the kiss, the answer is probably, "No"

Ok, so picking up where I left off. A friend who tried to console me today said:


"He could have taken you to MacDonalds with that $10, pointed to the menu and said (in his best T.I. voice) 'Baby you could have whateva you like!!'"


Anywho, as House finished any further discussions of pizzas were put to bed, this man took it upon himself to pick up MY remote control at MY house and change the channel to... Football. I don't enjoy being forced to watch football.



Shortly afterward, he then turns to me and says, "What do I do if I wanna crash here tonight?"



You don't!! Nothing has changed between now and Saturday, when I told you, "I don't know you like that."

He says, "So you're kicking me out?"
"You can't sleep here!!"

Hey, maybe that's why he showed up to my house in joggers. He came in his PAJAMAS.

I decided that this date was way past over and I wanted to cuss out my cousin for even encouraging me to keep this date. Pulled out my Blackberry and started messaging. Now, for the fellas. If you're on a date and a girl decides that she needs to pull out her phone and start texting or bbm'ing, that's a sign. She's probably trying to tell you one of two things:

1. She is superficial and believes that you'll think she's somebody important and soo busy.


2. She's not interested in anything that you have to say and she's probably tellin her girlfriend all about it right now.

My reason was the latter of the two. In the midst of my messaging I get another message... from the guy!!! Who is sitting across the couch from me!!! Let us partake in the Blackberry conversation:

HoleInSock: Can I kiss you

Jammy: Why are you messaging me while you are at my house?

Conversation ended.

Lookey here. If you have to ask for the kiss, the answer is most likely, "NO!" There is either a vibe that you're feeling or not. If you feel that there is a chance that I might say, "No." Go with it!! Now, although I didn't respond to his message he still tried to get all close up under me anyways. Telling me how he's about to start work as a teacher.

After about 5 minutes of trying to woo me with long gazes (otherwise known as staring), he decided to go to the washroom. I later found out that my sink was dry as a bone because that dirty boy did not wash his hands after he held his junk took a piss!! He walked out of the washroom and walked straight to his tore up sneakers, leaving me to believe he was ready to go. Don't let the door hit ya, where the Lord split ya, you cheap, oblivious, unmannerly, slovenly, sorry excuse for a waste of space!!

And with that abrupt exit, you would think that he got the clue right?

HoleInSock: Thanks for yesterday. I think I mite become a fan of house.

Conversation Ended.

Note: Spelling was copied exactly as it was written in the above messages and the facebook posts that follow below.

HoleInSock

Love jones: if u r think y u...think less n know that what u have 2 give can b copyed by any1 else. That's truth. Every women should think of them self as a suit=Gods a tailor= that man fits wit u very well.. Love is real.. Tru story

wen u hold her. hold her right. wen u lov her b wise. lov is not an event. buildin is not somthin any1 can do. it takes the write team. so when u take this next song in. kno that everythin u do takes 2. men love her like she brushes her hair.1 stroke @ a time(4 married ppl only) hold her like she would hold u the day she kne she loved u. woman lov that man like as he loves voice in the morning. love is soft.tru story

Thermal material, does not a dress shirt make...

OK, so as the title suggests, I started this blog because I have started to date online. I think that the things I have been seeing and experiencing have to be shared.

Let's start by sharing the date that I had last night. My first date in a long time. We'll call him... "Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza". I'm going somewhere with that name, wait for it. This particular guy I met a loooong time ago but happened to reconnect with him on plentyoffish.com. I spoke with him via email and on the phone a couple of times the worst I could say about him was that he asked a lot of questions. Not so bad, I could actually go on a date with this man. So, he says, "How about Monday?" I said, "OK." What shall we do? He says, "Go for a walk in the park?" Really? In November? At Bathurst and St. Clair?

I think I need to mention that this man doesn't drive. Yes, here come the comments of, "Oh you're superficial!" No!!!! If you wanna Ride the Rocket/Bus, own it, love it, learn it, master it. Don't beg a ride from those who have taken the time and money to have the privilege of driving a car. Don't make me use my expensive gas to come to where you're at because you don't wanna use the Metropass, that I know you have, to come into my area. Ride that Rocket or buy a damn car!!

So, either way, maybe we should see a movie. You can tell a lot about a person by the movie that they will actually pay money to see. He suggests... Couples Retreat. Boo-urns. Let's just meet at my house. The date is supposed to be on a Monday. He calls me on the Saturday and asks if he can come over on the Saturday night instead. I finish work at 12 midnight, this is a point that has already been made. He wants to know if we're gonna watch football while he's here. Football doesn't come on at those hours of the night, how are we going to watch it? BECAUSE HE EXPECTS TO SLEEPOVER AT MY HOUSE!!! What the... This is what's called a first date now a days. I told him, in better words, hell to the no, you're not sleeping at my house. I wouldn't even let you pull up a square of carpet next to my couch in my living room.

I decided to give the guy a chance and go back to the original Monday date, making it very clear that there was to be no sleeping over. He messages me later on at work and he asks I would come to his house instead. Just in case you weren't aware, let's go through the process of making a date or meeting once again:

1. Choose a date.


2. Choose place.


3. Choose a time.


4. Show up!!!

No calculus or algebra involved.

After many "confirmation" blackberry messages, the date was finally set, AGAIN, for Monday after work. He's asks if he should eat before he comes. Ya damn right you should!!! Cause I ain't cookin for you. Yes, at this time, my women's intuition said, "It's not too late to cancel this date." But he was definitely better than the guy who's message said.... and I quote copy:

something about you making me feel to kiss you up.

Literary genius. I wonder if that line has ever worked for him...

So, I got my cute top on and my nice jeans. Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza shows up to my house in, get this.... joggers and a thermal shirt (For those of you who are unaware, it's a shirt made out of the long-john material) The full ensemble is shown below.

and...

A HOLE IN HIS SOCK!!!

C'mon man! You know you're going to some one's house to take off your shoes. At least dig out your good socks man!! Gebus. I mean, if those are the socks that you took the time to pull on, who knows what kind of raggedy ass underwear he made the effort to pull on. Oh, did I forget to mention, this "man" is THIRTY YEARS OLD!!!

We, well I, decided that we were going to watch House and Heroes. Great shows man.

Anyways, one pop and halfway through House the man says, "I have $10, do you want to go halves on a pizza?"

But wait there's more!!! Tomorrow. My head hurts...