It's Not Just About the Jokes... Or is it?

It's has come to my attention that a few of my readers have decided to join several of the sites that I've written about and it seems as though you have only joined for the jokes.

This is not a joke people.. it's a serious thing. Relationships on online sites are taken very seriously. When a man writes to you and his first "sentence" is "Spanking?" That's an indication of a serious commitment. He is trying to let you know that he knows that he has a serious problem. Or.. a second possibility... you have posted photos on your profile that indicate that you enjoy spanking or possibly have been misbehaving and need said spanking. Ah ha! Think about that for a moment. Maybe the problem is you!! Didn't think about it that way now did ya?

Yea, I'm kidding and I'm glad you guys are all able to see the jokes in all of this, while I just think it is severely depressing. After a while you get tired of reading the same canned messages. I've reached the point that even if a good looking man wrote to me I probably wouldn't believe that it was actually his picture. Even if that is him in the picture, most of them chicken out before the first date. That part is really annoying, if you're online, I'd like to believe that you eventually want to meet that person. So, just a word of advice, don't string people along, meet up as soon as possible. There's nothing worse than devoting a few weeks or months talking to a person only to find out that they aren't nearly as interesting in person as they are in text.

Have fun ladies and gents!! But don't come crying to me when you find yourself at the bottom of a bucket of Hagen Dazs after a man offers to go halves on a pizza with a hole in his sock and his best thermal shirt. OH!! Speaking of that fool. I saw him on the train the other day. Was just sittin there reading my book and I looked up and there he was. Lucky for me, I had my incognito sunglasses on and he didn't see that I saw him. Crisis averted.

A Bit of Social Media Etiquette

The experience with the Italian is winding down and in it's ending, I have been prompted to point out some pointers on social media etiquetten as it applies to online dating; specifically Facebook.

1. Privacy Settings: When you decide to add someone to your friends list on Facebook, please consider the state of the relationship you are in at that time. Consider making a subgroup in your friends list for people that you've met through online dating. Proceed to block all of the people on that list from things that they probably shouldn't be allowed to see, yet. Things such as: pictures of your friends kids, pictures of your family, pictures of you that might give the wrong impression. Why? Consider the fact that you don't know this person very well and you're friends may not want strangers looking at pictures of their children. There are the stalkers as well, so the less information that they have about you, the better. At least until you know them better. For all you know, when you start taking a look at their page, you might not even want to be friends with them anymore. As the relationship progresses, you may want to allow them further into your life. Treat your profile page just like you would treat your life... unless you're a habitual oversharer. You might not start up your first date by telling them about that one time when you were a sloppy drunk and bicurious, but your profile page might.
2. Ending the Friendship: Don't wait to unfriend. If you feel like the relationship has come to an end, unfriend the person. Don't keep them around in hopes of being friends. If you could have been friends, you would probably still be dating them. I elaborate on my reasoning for that below.
3. Likes/Comments: If you like a picture or a status, then say so, within reason. Don't like every single thing that the person posts. It's creepy and almost impossible to do without looking like a stalker. On the other hand, it seems silly to send a text to the person saying, "I like your photo," when you could have just... liked their photo. If you want to comment, go ahead, but again, with moderation. And maybe if you think of something kinky or lovey-dovey to say.. put that in a text because it just deters everyone else from commenting. As a friend, if I see an overly sweet conversation happening in someone's status comments, I'm probably not going to comment because I feel like I'm interrupting something. And if you're unsure of what to say, just hit the like button and walk away.

The second point refers to the ending of my dealings with the Italian. Normally, I'm cold-blooded when it comes to my friendslist. If I don't talk to you anymore, I remove you. For some reason, I decided to wait to remove this guy. When I finally decide to remove him, I can't access his page. I can see his profile pic and that's it. At first, I thought that he had blocked me, so I did some research. When you block someone, they are also unfriended, so I shouldn't be able to see him at all. I spend the better part of the week Googling it and I can't figure out what he has done, so I give up. 

A few days ago, I get a notification on my phone that his birthday is coming up. What the hell? How can he be blocked and still remind me that his birthday is coming up. I decided to try one more time, I type in his name and... success!! He is unfriended. Up to now, I can't figure out what he did. Maybe he changed his privacy settings so that he could still creep my page while stopping me from doing the same. Weird. So I say again, end the Facebook friendship, while you still can. 

These are just a few pointers from me, use them, or don't; that's up to you. I'm just trying to save you a few hours of your life on Google and possibly a restraining order.

It Popped...

Continuing from this weeks post, the Tinder Italian decided to cancel our date because it was snowing outside.

No self-respecting Canadian would ever cancel plans because there was a bit of snow outside. It takes a good 2 feet of snow before we even cancel school and that's only for the children; the adults are still expected at work. So, needless to say, I was quite disappointed, even more so because I had already gotten the tickets. On top of that, the guy had mentioned that he was quite nervous about our upcoming date on several different occasions. I had warned him not to chicken out and he said that he wasn't, but I couldn't help but feel that the snow was a cop-out.

I ended up driving all the way downtown, in my civic, on all-season tires without even an alarming swerve, to see the movie with my dad. Now, if I could manage to drive all the way downtown like that, you're trying to tell me that your Yukon couldn't have made the trip? The highway barely had any snow on it! 

He attempted to apologize profusely through out the evening, which started to get annoying as I can only forgive you so many times. Shortly before the movie starts, he sends me a text that reads:

The cyst on my back just burst. God is not on my side tonight.

First off, yuck!! Second, I told you he was an over-sharer. Third, I would like to believe that God was on your side because if that thing had popped while we were eating or in the theatre, I would have just walked away. I don't know if you're aware but, infected cysts STINK! As a matter of fact, infected anythings stink. Could you imagine, you're in the theatre and an odour, that is obviously not a fart because it smells like fermented death, starts to spread through the crowded isles. Those with weak stomachs start to vomit and gag and everyone starts to look around for the source. I would die right there. My death certificate would state, "Cause of death: Embarrassment."

Now, you would think that after chickening out (that's what I'm calling it) that he would be in a rush to reschedule the date? Nothing, not even a mention of the redo. The next time the idea of making plans for a meeting, happens 2 weeks later. Some of you may be asking, "Why didn't you mention it yourself?" Because I was starting to feel like I was the only one that wanted to meet up; like he was content with having an exclusively, online relationship. My bestfriend seemed to think that this was his M.O.; he would lure you in and talk to you for months so that you would love his personality and then when you finally meet, 2 years later, you're so in love that you don't care that he's 200 lbs heavier than he said he was.

Coming back to the ever illusive plans, the whole thing started when I mentioned that I was making nachos... at 2 in the morning. He asked me how come I never invited him over, he would have come for nachos. I can see at least one major thing wrong with that statement. You might think I'm an ass for saying this but, only a fat man would be willing to drive for a hour for nachos but not for the possibility of sex. There I said it, he's fat. 

I called his bluff and told him to come on over then. I'll even make a fresh batch! Listen to this fool:

It's late. I'd have to go shower and then it would take me and hour to get there and then it would be 4, then I would only be able to stay for a few hours, it wouldn't be worth it.

There are no words, only gifs can describe what I felt just then. 

Why would you make the offer to come over if you weren't really gonna do it?

I didn't think you would accept.

Frustrated? No, I'm done at this point. I ran out of fucks to give and nerves for you to get on, a long time ago. Why would you do that? Do you think it sounds cute or something? To propose a date just as a joke? Keep in mind, it's been more than a month of texting now. Scintillating texts, such has:

I missed you today.

Don't be mean. That's like asking me not to breathe. Grow some balls.

I missed you yesterday.

Sorry, I passed out. At 5 in the evening?

Sorry, I was napping. At 2 in the morning?

What are you up to? 

* I didn't answer because my phone isn't surgically grafted to my hand. So this text was followed 5 minutes later by:

You don't like me anymore?

By this point I've made a conscious decision to end this foolishness. But he's a nice guy and other than the fact that he's a flake, he didn't really do anything bad to me. So I decide to let the relationship dwindle away by not putting anymore effort into it. Actually, I'll just match the amount of effort that he's been putting in. Sounds like a plan, right?

But wait, there's more!!... Nah, there isn't. It's done.

Canadians Shouldn't Let Snow Keep Them From A Hot Date

Actually, Canadians should seek out as many hot dates as possible in this weather.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I struck up a chat with an Italian guy on Tinder. Our initial chat wasn't bad, he could hold a conversation and he decided to give me his number. I'm not the biggest fan of giving out my number because I don't want to have to change it if a guy turns into a stalker. I took a chance and started texting him. He's music producer that makes songs for TV and movies. He sent me some of the songs he did and they were actually quite good. I was expecting some basement tracks with bad beats and worse lyrics. I actually put one of the songs on my iPod, which is huge for me. He actually makes a good living off of the songs he makes, so I won't lump him in with the rest of the "music producers" that I know.

Now, the pictures he had on his profile left a lot to the imagination. They lacked a proper body shot and 90% of them were selfies.  He told me in one of text conversations that he was 5'10" and 250lbs, which is literally two of me. Not to sound more superficial than I normally do, but I have recurring nightmares of being smothered to death by a... bigger man. Nonetheless, I threw caution to the wind and attempted to meet up with the Italian. He lives and hour away on the other side of the city, but he drives an SUV. What became annoying to me was that he would always suggest that I come over to his house.  Eventually, I told him that I wasn't going to meet a stranger, in a town that I've never been to, at his house. That's how you end up in the evening news with people commenting on how your naivety got you killed. I wasn't planning to pack up my dog and drive an hour out of the way to have to go to work later on in the day. What started to piss me off was that he kept asking me to come out there knowing that I have to work the next day when he works from home and makes his own hours. He's telling me how I should spend the night... on our first meeting... in the basement of your parents house. Yeaaa, I'm gonna go ahead and pass on that. I didn't fault him for living at his parents; he has a rental property that he chose not to live in so that he could save money. Good investment, but if I were him I wouldn't be so quick to invite the ladies over to my mom's crib. Especially if this particular lady has a place of her own. I'm just saying.

Either way, I decided to make plans to meet him downtown for some food and a movie. In my typical type-A fashion, I got the movies tickets a few days before the date as I didn't want to have crappy seats and it was the opening weekend.

We continue to text and it's going pretty well, except... he's an over-sharer. And he sounds like he's either quite sickly or a hypochondriac. The man tells me that he has gallstones which are apparently, very painful. Then he decides to share that he has a cyst, that is infected, at the small of his back, that is the size of baseball. But I must not look at it on the date. That's like saying, "Hey, you see that big red button over there? Yea? Well, no one knows what it does so don't push it."

The day arrives and... it's snowing. It's actually snowing quite a bit. All of my friends are asking if the date is still on and, up to this point, it was. I was like, "It's just snow. I'm not afraid of snow. I'm Canadian." At around 6, he texts me to tell me that it's snowing too much. What the....

To be continued..