Where do we go from here?

OK, so if you are wondering why the posts have so few and far between, it's because the novelty of this online dating thing is really wearing off.



Realistically, how many times was I going to punish myself by going on bad date after bad date. I mean I'm no glutton for punishment. Otherwise I wouldn't have cut off Mr. Hole-in-Sock as fast as I did. I'm trying to decide what I'm gonna do with this blog, so I'm putting up a poll people. YOU BETTER VOTE. Cause how many times can I point out bad grammar and poor spelling in the online posts that I'm sent on a regular basis?



Example:



hi hi,what a gone (I'm assuming that was supposed to be what a gwan?)



how r u doing was brushing throught ur profile and it catch my eyes and decide to drop my words on u and let u know tell me something i dont know about u? (Apparently you didn't read about my love for spelling and spelling related topics and the "." key on your keyboard is broken. Can you hear the yardie in it? I can.)



Why on earth would I keep subjecting myself to this torture?

Oh, hello, you're not horrible.

You know you're lowering your standards when, you look at guys profile and say, "Oh, hello, you're not horrible." Damn...

Ok, anyways, let's bring up another one of my pet peeves. Old ass men stuck in their teens/twenties. There is no bigger turn off than a 30-40 year old man in a doo-rag, who is gone/going bald. Doo-rags are for keeping your waves nice. You don't have any waves man!! Your ocean is beyond calm or dried up hommie. In fact, I wrote a letter for you 30 year old man:

Dear 30 year old man who thinks he's still 21:

Why do you insist on wearing purple South Pole jeans? Pull up your pants. Saggy jeans are only accepted on young hoodlums.

Please take off your doo-rag and be proud of your "strands of wisdom" or lack there of.

If you hear someone in the club say, "Hey, isn't that some one's dad?" They're talking about you. You shouldn't be trying to date girls the same age as or younger than you niece.

Please do not ask a girl to go halves on dinner like you're back in high school, because to be honest with you, the young guns aren't even pulling that crap.

Buy some new socks.

If you aren't a rapper/producer yet, it ain't gonna happen.

Please stop telling people that you have a clothing line when you have a few Costco sweaters that you airbrushed your SeanRocaWearJohn logo on.

Signed,
Fed Up TwentySomething Woman

Drumroll please, and the loser is....

Bleh. After 11 days of voting, the evil people were able to pull out a win. Here he is in all his holey glory (I spelled it like that on purpose). This is Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza, aka Mr. Hole-in-Sock. If you know him, shut the hell up. I'm not here to name names.



Runs chills down my spine.. Eeeew. He was cute at the time though. No?

And I made myself so easy to love....

While I have been on my break from posting... trying to decide on where I want this blog to go, I have notice a few people have tried to slight me for going online in the first place. People are trying to make fun of me for being online like I'm some kinda of lady with 50 cats. Meanwhile, I meeting guys offline in different places and I'm going through these dudes like hand sanitzer during flu season.

I don't know why they are acting like I'm on there staring at profile #1 of 5, when there are more than 100 thousand people online on POF at any given time during the day. Out of the thousands of people who show up in the GTA area alone, you have to believe that some of the people you know are on there as well. So don't knock me because I'm the only one with enough self confidence to admit that I'm one of them. Because if you know me, you know deep down that I really don't give a sh*t if you don't approve.

Besides, where else do you propose I meet people? In the club? In the bar? At work? Been there, done that, spent waaay too much money on it. Someone please speak up and tell me that you met the man of your dreams at the club or in a bar. Nothing but a bunch of pantie chasers in there. If I was looking for a regrettable one-night stand, I would be the first in line, in my uncomfortable-ass shoes and skimpy outfit. I would go get my 22 year old, inexperienced guy, take him home and show him how us cougars do it.

Better yet, I can try another guy from work, that I thought I knew. Only to find out that he's already dating TWO other girls in the same building (I'll tell you that story on another day). Classy. I'll get right to that, as soon as someone can tell me how to not talk to him when I have to transfer a call to him. I am well aware that there have been many interoffice relationships that have lasted for years on end. I just have no intention of alienating myself from all the staff that posses penises at work in the process.

I think I'll try my luck online, where I can runaway and not have to worry about seeing them in the lobby tomorrow. It just easier for me. These fools is crazy ya know!

You're a virgin, no waaaayy!!!

Oh POF, if anything, you always provide me with plenty of entertainment.

On a side note, I feel it necessary to travel back to Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza. Please take note of the poll running above, because the outcome will determine whether or not we will see a pic of this.. dude.. for lack of a better word. I feel the need to remind you that this dude claims he was on his way to becoming a TEACHER. This guy who actually spelled, copyed, and doesn't know the difference between, women and woman. He's supposed to be teaching some one's child something. I have to say the Toronto District is getting quite lackadaisical with it's criteria. What could that man possibly have to teach someone beyond a first graders knowledge. I hope the only thing that man teaches is gym.... that way he only has to know X's and O's.

Let's take a look at my most recent POF applicant:

Subject:

Pardon me madam I heard your heart was in need of swooning!

Body:

May i direct your attention towards my profile? maybe we can chat after!

Wow. But wait there's a much more gentle "swooning" pic:

You're seeing just fine. He's WOLVERINE. Hugh Jackman in the flesh...

**IMPORTANT READ**One of my pre-requisites for my significant other is that she be a virgin, now I know what your thinking (well not really), but before you get any weird ideas; I too am a virgin, so there!

I also am a pretty hard core X-MEN fan.Time to get in the 'nitty-gritty' stuff...

Hobbies:

-Video Games

-Reading (although not too often)

-Movies

-Biking-Watching Tv (Venture Brothers, Family Guy and Spongebob Squarepants)

Goals:

-Become a Radio DJ and earn WADS OF CASH!

-Travel to Japan(Eventually... maybe...)

Uniqueness:

-Raised a gentleman

-Very Kind

-Creative(used to be an art student)

-Like to write stories from time to time.

You're a virgin, NO WAAAAY!!! Who wouldn't want to sex WOLVERINE in full X-men attire. Especially when you identify video games as your first and therefore most important hobby. Can't forget about Spongebob... There's probably a woman out there who doesn't mind a candle-light dinner under the glow of a square-panted sponge on your mom's TV, it just ain't me. Young men, take a look at pic number one, that is 25 year old virgin, pic number two... is 40 year old virgin. Leave the video games alone.. at least until your married and you caught the girl so that she can't leave. LOL

The floor ain't always that dirty... right?

All right. So I have a confession to make.. Whilst on my date with Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza, he asked me for a drink. I'm not a horrible host so I offered him a chilled beverage. He had to have ice. Now, this happened in between the football game and the sorry attempt to beg for a kiss. I'm not really a fan of ice in my drink because I think it waters it down, so my ice tray wasn't fully stocked. So, not only was ice kinda old but there were only so many cubes in the tray. Now, as I'm struggling to get the ice cubes out of my ice cube tray, one of the cubes so happened to jump out.... and fall on the floor.

So, you know what I was thinking right... Hehe... Should I... Shouldn't I. I am looking at the ice cube, at the glass, back at the dude, back the ice cube again, dude's not looking....

Here comes that little devil on your shoulder that's like, "Do it. That cheap ass man deserves it. Do it." But then, the little angel showed up on the other shoulder and was like... "DO IT!! The floor ain't THAT dirty. Jesus will forgive you. It was karma that made that ice cube fall on the ground anyways. DO IT!!" My angels and devils come from a different breed than most.

So, I picked it up, plopped it in the drink and presented it to him with a smile. In hind sight.... I'm glad I did.

29 Dimensions of Comapatibility MY ASS!!

Needless to say, Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza has been blocked and deleted from my facebook page and my life. Did I tell him why? No, because some one's mother (not mine, cause she's as rude as I am) said, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." yadda yadda yadda. So, I said nothing.




Anywho, let's talk about the big dog. I know we all have been bombarded by the constant commercials for Eharmony with all the mediocre looking people talking about how they are married and it was love a first click.. blah, blah, blah. Just in case you've been hiding under a rock or you were too broke to pay your cable bill... Take a look below.







Now, I KNOW, some of you have been wondering if you should spend your hard earned money on this site, because I wondered as well. They make it seem so deep and well thought out. I decided, as pessimistic and cynical as I am, that I was gonna bite the bullet and take one for the team. I won't pay them two red cents, but I will peruse every aspect of the free portions of the site, as few and far between as they might be. Note the pricing plan below:

1 month for CAD$59.95
3 months for CAD$119.85 (amounting to CAD$39.95 a month).
6 months for CAD$179.70 (amounting to CAD$29.95 a month).
12 months for CAD$239.40 (amounting to CAD$19.95 a month).
12 months for 3 payments of CAD$79.80 (amounting to CAD$19.95 a month).

For this much money you would think they would go on the dates for you and only bring you the winners. Sorry, but no. If you don't pay, you don't see pictures. You are supposed to fall in love off of personality and all of their "29 Dimensions of Compatibility". Bulls**t.




So after answering about 100 of the following styled questions (#14 and 19 are my favs) with these answers:

• not at all


• somewhat


• very much

1.I do things according to a plan.
2.I take time out for others.
3.I feel unable to deal with things.
4.I love to help others.
5.I seek adventure.
6.I often leave a mess in my room.
7.I often carry the conversation to a higher level.
8.I get stressed out easily.
9.I often make others feel good.
10.I am good at analyzing problems.
11.I usually stand up for myself.
12.I am easily discouraged.
13.I can handle a lot of information.
14.I waste my time.
15.I catch on to things quickly.
16.I usually wait for others to lead the way.
17.I love order and regularity.
18.I often do nice things for people.
19.I get angry easily.

I was done. I am ready to be matched with Mr. Right, right now. I get my email that says, here he is Jammy... Mr. Right:

The "About Me" information below will help you learn more about Mr Right. You first viewed this information on August 22, 2009, 01:07AM PDT.

The one thing Mr. Right is most passionate about:

• chess, checkers swiming and jog

The three things which Mr. Right is most thankful for:

• im honest and smart


• i'm sesetive


• im a good listerner and caring

The most influential person in Mr. Right's life has been:

• my best friend cause she always there for when i need an advise or to talk things out

Mr. Right's friends describe him as:

• Hard Working


• Good Listener


• Funny


• Warm

The most important thing Mr. Right is looking for in a person is:

• honestly and show love back

The first thing you'll probably notice about Mr. Right when you meet him:

• im friendly n honest

The one thing Mr. Right wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

• im sensetive

Mr. Right typically spends his leisure time:

• compure.jog and video games

The things Mr. Right can't live without are:

• love


• friends


• family


• food


• money

The last book Mr. Right read and enjoyed:

• hunchback of notre dame

One thing that only Mr. Right's best friends know is:

• i cry when i get my feelings hurt

Some additional information Mr. Right wanted you to know is:

• im fun and i like to have good time like dine out, movie ro just go for a walk

Wow, I can hear the birds singing and the heavens have opened up.. no... wait... those birds aren't singing, they're sitting up there with Jesus, Mary and Joseph and they're LAUGHING at me. Sh*t.

I like walking on the beach, crying at movies... Oh you`re a dude!! Uh huh...

Look at that, nice specimen. Can't really see the face.. probably a reason for that. I stumbled upon him whilst looking at the profiles of those who had looked at my profile on POF. Let`s take a look at the profile:

Hi Ladies!I am a man who believes in many things....I believe in Making mistakes and learning from them, that is why they're called "lessons". I believe in Honesty, Respect, Romance, Open Communication, Loyalty, Sincerity, Love, Friends and Family. I believe that there are NO coincidences in life, that "everything happens for a reason". I try and live each day in the "here and the now"...it's a work in progress at times, but I'm getting there.I believe in "The Law of Attraction" and "to treat people the way you want to be treated", they may all sound cliche, but I try and live by them all daily. Being true to one's self is key in being true to everyone else around you. This journey we call "life" has sooo much to offer us, it's all there for the taking....so, let's do it!

So far, so good. No spelling mistakes and proper punctuation too. Wait, there`s some more:

Things I love: Honesty, Open Communication, Holding hands, Touching, Kissing, Loving, Spooning, Thunderstorms, The Sun, Sand between my toes, Cooking, Sharing, Scary movies, My faith in God, My family, My friends, Nature, Walks, Massages (body and foot, wink) The occasional indulgence of Milk Chocolate, Mangos, Red Wine, Great Food, Great company,Music, from Frank to U2, Laughing and Fidelity. Is it too much to ask that I want the same in a partner? I hope not, because the above mentioned traits are what I look for in someone.

Wha? Spooning? This is the same dude? Which manly man actually admits these things online? Oh... No. I'm just gonna go ahead and press this here back button. Boo-urns.

Let's check the POF Inbox, Oh... shouldn't have done that..

If you haven't been tuning in.... shame on you. POF is short for plentyoffish.com , a 90% free online dating site that has been providing me with waaaay more entertainment than Eharmony. POF is where I reconnected with Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza. I really like POF better because it lets you peruse profiles at your leisure, as apposed to having to wait for Eharmony to "match" you with a person. I also like the fact that you can limit who can contact you after viewing your profile. Such as, I do not wish to be contacted by anyone:

• over 33


• who's relationship status is "Married"


• who is looking for an "intimate encounter"


• who is looking for an "activity partner"


• who does drugs


• who smokes (sorry to all my friends who smoke, but I don't kiss ashtrays)


• that has a picture on their profile

How many times have you been grossed out by that man who was twice your age trying to add you on facebook?... or even on the street for that matter. Eeeew.

So, enough of my reviews. Let's open up the inbox(Note: No grammar has been changed):

hey hun how are you, is it okay if we talk?

Do not adjust you monitor, his face is that GREEEEEZY!! Are you really trying to tell me that is the best picture that you could find? Really? C'mon breddrin.

dammm sweetie with a smile like that where have u ben all my life lol

Not horrible. Let's open up the profile:

WHICH ONE R U HUH???? Sisters get respect, Bytchez get what they deserve SIsters work hard, Bytchez work your nerves Sisters hold you down, Bytchez hold you up Sisters help you progress, Bytchez will slow you up Sisters cook up a meal, play their role with the kids Bytchez in street with their nose in your biz Sisters tell the truth, Bytchez tell lies Sisters drivecars, Bytchez wanna ride Sisters give-up the azz, Bytchez give-up the azz Sisters do it slow, Bytchez do it fast Sisters do their dirt outside of where they live Bytchez have Niccaz all up in your crib Sisters tell you quick "you better checkyour homie" Bytchez don`t give afukk, they wanna check for your homie Sisters love J cuz they know how `J is I love my sisters, I don`t love bytchez

Wow, I mean... If you're gonna call someone a bitch.. could you at least spell it right. Don`t ask me why that`s the biggest problem I found with this profile. Edit to my profile: Poor spellers need not apply.

Do you date online? Have you had a date that was worse than mine? Probably not, unless you actually dated Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza. Either way, even if it was just a blind date, let me know in the comments section.

If you have to ask for the kiss, the answer is probably, "No"

Ok, so picking up where I left off. A friend who tried to console me today said:


"He could have taken you to MacDonalds with that $10, pointed to the menu and said (in his best T.I. voice) 'Baby you could have whateva you like!!'"


Anywho, as House finished any further discussions of pizzas were put to bed, this man took it upon himself to pick up MY remote control at MY house and change the channel to... Football. I don't enjoy being forced to watch football.



Shortly afterward, he then turns to me and says, "What do I do if I wanna crash here tonight?"



You don't!! Nothing has changed between now and Saturday, when I told you, "I don't know you like that."

He says, "So you're kicking me out?"
"You can't sleep here!!"

Hey, maybe that's why he showed up to my house in joggers. He came in his PAJAMAS.

I decided that this date was way past over and I wanted to cuss out my cousin for even encouraging me to keep this date. Pulled out my Blackberry and started messaging. Now, for the fellas. If you're on a date and a girl decides that she needs to pull out her phone and start texting or bbm'ing, that's a sign. She's probably trying to tell you one of two things:

1. She is superficial and believes that you'll think she's somebody important and soo busy.


2. She's not interested in anything that you have to say and she's probably tellin her girlfriend all about it right now.

My reason was the latter of the two. In the midst of my messaging I get another message... from the guy!!! Who is sitting across the couch from me!!! Let us partake in the Blackberry conversation:

HoleInSock: Can I kiss you

Jammy: Why are you messaging me while you are at my house?

Conversation ended.

Lookey here. If you have to ask for the kiss, the answer is most likely, "NO!" There is either a vibe that you're feeling or not. If you feel that there is a chance that I might say, "No." Go with it!! Now, although I didn't respond to his message he still tried to get all close up under me anyways. Telling me how he's about to start work as a teacher.

After about 5 minutes of trying to woo me with long gazes (otherwise known as staring), he decided to go to the washroom. I later found out that my sink was dry as a bone because that dirty boy did not wash his hands after he held his junk took a piss!! He walked out of the washroom and walked straight to his tore up sneakers, leaving me to believe he was ready to go. Don't let the door hit ya, where the Lord split ya, you cheap, oblivious, unmannerly, slovenly, sorry excuse for a waste of space!!

And with that abrupt exit, you would think that he got the clue right?

HoleInSock: Thanks for yesterday. I think I mite become a fan of house.

Conversation Ended.

Note: Spelling was copied exactly as it was written in the above messages and the facebook posts that follow below.

HoleInSock

Love jones: if u r think y u...think less n know that what u have 2 give can b copyed by any1 else. That's truth. Every women should think of them self as a suit=Gods a tailor= that man fits wit u very well.. Love is real.. Tru story

wen u hold her. hold her right. wen u lov her b wise. lov is not an event. buildin is not somthin any1 can do. it takes the write team. so when u take this next song in. kno that everythin u do takes 2. men love her like she brushes her hair.1 stroke @ a time(4 married ppl only) hold her like she would hold u the day she kne she loved u. woman lov that man like as he loves voice in the morning. love is soft.tru story

Thermal material, does not a dress shirt make...

OK, so as the title suggests, I started this blog because I have started to date online. I think that the things I have been seeing and experiencing have to be shared.

Let's start by sharing the date that I had last night. My first date in a long time. We'll call him... "Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza". I'm going somewhere with that name, wait for it. This particular guy I met a loooong time ago but happened to reconnect with him on plentyoffish.com. I spoke with him via email and on the phone a couple of times the worst I could say about him was that he asked a lot of questions. Not so bad, I could actually go on a date with this man. So, he says, "How about Monday?" I said, "OK." What shall we do? He says, "Go for a walk in the park?" Really? In November? At Bathurst and St. Clair?

I think I need to mention that this man doesn't drive. Yes, here come the comments of, "Oh you're superficial!" No!!!! If you wanna Ride the Rocket/Bus, own it, love it, learn it, master it. Don't beg a ride from those who have taken the time and money to have the privilege of driving a car. Don't make me use my expensive gas to come to where you're at because you don't wanna use the Metropass, that I know you have, to come into my area. Ride that Rocket or buy a damn car!!

So, either way, maybe we should see a movie. You can tell a lot about a person by the movie that they will actually pay money to see. He suggests... Couples Retreat. Boo-urns. Let's just meet at my house. The date is supposed to be on a Monday. He calls me on the Saturday and asks if he can come over on the Saturday night instead. I finish work at 12 midnight, this is a point that has already been made. He wants to know if we're gonna watch football while he's here. Football doesn't come on at those hours of the night, how are we going to watch it? BECAUSE HE EXPECTS TO SLEEPOVER AT MY HOUSE!!! What the... This is what's called a first date now a days. I told him, in better words, hell to the no, you're not sleeping at my house. I wouldn't even let you pull up a square of carpet next to my couch in my living room.

I decided to give the guy a chance and go back to the original Monday date, making it very clear that there was to be no sleeping over. He messages me later on at work and he asks I would come to his house instead. Just in case you weren't aware, let's go through the process of making a date or meeting once again:

1. Choose a date.


2. Choose place.


3. Choose a time.


4. Show up!!!

No calculus or algebra involved.

After many "confirmation" blackberry messages, the date was finally set, AGAIN, for Monday after work. He's asks if he should eat before he comes. Ya damn right you should!!! Cause I ain't cookin for you. Yes, at this time, my women's intuition said, "It's not too late to cancel this date." But he was definitely better than the guy who's message said.... and I quote copy:

something about you making me feel to kiss you up.

Literary genius. I wonder if that line has ever worked for him...

So, I got my cute top on and my nice jeans. Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza shows up to my house in, get this.... joggers and a thermal shirt (For those of you who are unaware, it's a shirt made out of the long-john material) The full ensemble is shown below.

and...

A HOLE IN HIS SOCK!!!

C'mon man! You know you're going to some one's house to take off your shoes. At least dig out your good socks man!! Gebus. I mean, if those are the socks that you took the time to pull on, who knows what kind of raggedy ass underwear he made the effort to pull on. Oh, did I forget to mention, this "man" is THIRTY YEARS OLD!!!

We, well I, decided that we were going to watch House and Heroes. Great shows man.

Anyways, one pop and halfway through House the man says, "I have $10, do you want to go halves on a pizza?"

But wait there's more!!! Tomorrow. My head hurts...