Tinder, the Straight Man's Grinder, But Not Really

As I mentioned earlier this week, I recently started using Tinder. It's an app that you can only use on an iPhone/iPod, I use the latter. On a  post a friend made on Facebook, I read an article from the Toronto Star that was talking about the newest trends in online dating; among a few others that didn't appeal to me was Tinder. Tinder was compared to Grinder, but I'm not sure why. Grinder is supposed to be a booty-call/random hookup type of app... for the gays. It'll show you people who are online, in a specified radius, who are looking for a hookup. This app works similarly but with a lot less of the random hookup feel, so I don't think it can be compared.

The gist of the app is that it's online dating stripped down to the bare essentials. I like that it focuses on what matters most to people who are looking for a date, whether they want to admit it or not, the physical. Some people want to pretend that it's only about the personality, I call bullshit on that. You have to have picture to use the app, none of that "ask me if you want a pic" stuff. It also adds a great feature that avoids a lot of messages that aren't going to be returned. It connects to your Facebook profile to access your likes and interests, but it will only show the other party the ones that you have in common, if any. It will also tell you if you have any mutual friends. The app will allow you to use some of your profile pics or you can upload your own to your Tinder profile. Now here's the best part. When you start up the app it'll show you a picture of a possible match, you swipe left if you don't like what you see; swipe to the right if you do. You can look into the profile to see more pics, if you have any interests in common or if the person has written a short "Tagline". For some people who may suffer from verbal diarrhea the Tagline may get you a lot further than you have before. For some guys, the more you write, the more narcissistic/rude/weird/desperate/snobby you sound.  If you like the person, swipe to the right or hit the heart icon and if they like you too, the app will tell you that you've matched and open up a chat window for you to send them a message. Most girls who use online dating will be familiar with opening your inbox to find several messages from guys you never wanted to hear from. This removes that problem as you only get messages from guys that you've expressed an interest in.

Now for the downside. This app has also turned into a hot/not type of app. A lot of guys only go online to rate girls, so just because you've matched up with a guy doesn't mean that you will actually get a message from them. As a result, I've decided that I will only respond to messages, I won't be making any first moves.

All of that being said, I did strike up a chat with an Italian guy, who can spell (bonus points) and seemed to be able to carry on a proper conversation. He lives an hour away from me (bonus points removed) and he seems quite sweet. As this is a long story, it will be posted in parts... it hasn't ended yet, but I do see it ending. Stay tuned for Part 2

What's an Oxford Comma?

Checking that POF inbox, which has quickly become the the melting pot for the dregs of dating society. After reading an article posted by one of my friends, I have since moved on to Tinder; more on that later. Here's an... interesting message: 

 Hi, I read through your profile and I gotta say, only my Freshman English Teacher made more use of the Oxford Comma than you. Oh my name starts with T! Grammar snob at your service!

What the hell is an Oxford Comma? I had to Google that crap. Also, what was the point of mentioning that your name starts with a "T"? It would have made more sense to not say your name at all, or just say your name. It's like he wanted to be formal by introducing himself, but not too formal because it's the internet.

Between your profile and your photos, I have to say, you might be the prettiest girl in this part of the internet… and you do owe me 99 cents because your profile melted my heart like a snickers bar in a pocket on a hot summer’s day. 

So... your heart costs 99 cents or your heart is a snickers or what. Cause I don't get why I owe you a real 99 cents when I melted your metaphorical snickers bar.

Anyway, I would skip all the internet dating formalities and ask you out for a drink but, as you know, the internet can be a dangerous and murky place. So I have devised some carefully selected vetting questions to ensure my safety: 

1. Which is bluer the ocean or the sky? 

2. Peanut butter or strawberry jam? 

3. Early mornings or late nights? 

Did he really want me to answer this drivel?

I totally dug the profile, you seem cool. Gotta say, your picture shows a reflection of a classy lady. How is the holiday season shopping going? Please, let’s chat sometime. 

T

The only thing that appeals to me about this man is that he's a bigger grammar nazi than I am. Otherwise, he's a big whomp whomp, on the prospects scale. Moving on.

The Most Different Strokes...

And this man is different, to say the least. What's that? He looks pretty normal to you. I thought that as well when I opened up my inbox. It wasn't until I looked a bit closer into his profile that I realized how different his was. There was this:

And this....

And these...

And lastly, just in case you weren't sure that was the same guy, there's this:

I'd look at him like that to if I was sitting next to that hot mess. I'm also confused as to why you're wearing a strap-on when you have the real thing; kind of redundant... and it looks uncomfortable.  I mean, hey, you're a cross-dresser, that's great for you. But what exactly about my profile said I was into that kind of thing. I'm not bisexual or "gender-fluid" and I have to say that even if I was and I was looking for someone with a kind of 2 for 1 deal, it'd be with someone who could actually pass for a girl with all, that... stuff. And even as a girl, you look kind of slack. Cover up yourself, leave something to the imagination. Why you gotta have all your stuff out there for the whole internet to see. Stay classy my friend.

In case you're into that kind of thing and think THEY are cute, her name is Sarah and she's into kinky sex; I think that was a given. He/she has a profile, it's a interesting read. Not my cup of anything, but like I said, different strokes. For me this is like a stroking my hair in two separate directions; it makes a hot mess.



Topics I like to explore:
**Gender**Anti-Oppression**Anti-Drug**Neural Pathways**Healing**Recovery**Music**Movies**Dreams**Monsters**Body-Image/Consumerism**Nature**Health**Yoga**Travelling**

I have been in recovery from drugs and alcohol for six years now. So I am not interested in any of that stuff. I am a bit of a home-body in a way. I like to stay in, make music, drink coffee, do abstract art, meditate, hang out with my rabbit, dress like a girl and take photos, sleep, eat healthy. I do enjoy going out, but I don't do it too often.

My occupation is social service worker, I work in a rehab for addictions. I act as a counselor there, and do lots of other stuff also. Running groups, etc.
Also I'm a certified life skills coach, so I can coach people and run life skill groups in shelters and for businesses.
I also went to school for Comedy Writing and Art and Design, graduated both.

I do performance art for an artist collective , clowning when I get the chance, and I make music , just finished my third CD ' Welcome to Sarah's Nightmare Land'. None of them are like being sold in a record store or anything, but that's not really the point .
I also write weird fiction and stuff.

I have had a lot of friends, but people seem to come into my life and then disappear forever after, aside from a few stowaways.

I live near Dundas West Station . I was going to move, but because my room-mates are never here it's like I live alone, and it's cheap and comfortable.

I am gender-fluid, so there's a part of me that's a girl named Sarah as you can see in my photos.
I don't go out in public as Sarah. Only at home and to go see my spiritual healer. So if you want to hang out with Sarah you would have to come over to watch a movie, or invite her over to your place.
I'm also into kinky-sex, so if you are not then it probably won't work out in the long run.
I have 11 tattoos and plan to get more.
I like seeing therapists and healers, I think constantly self-reflecting, creating and evolving are all keys to healthy relationship with oneself.

U into white guys?

Open up the old inbox. Ah, there's a message.

Yes, but upon closer inspection, you aren't a white guy; you're a bird. 

On that discovery, I have to say, I'm not that into birds. That's the only picture that you have and your profile consists of the following:

Who told you that you were fine and made you believe this would actually fly?

Yea, you! This man wrote me a message a few days ago on POF, that I did not answer, for a reason. I don't find you attractive, Sir. Two days later, I receive the following. Note: I have mentioned that I'm a Blackberry fangirl on my profile, hence the beginning of the message.

The man told me to get my act together! What the? Again, who told you that you were so gorgeous and gave you the belief that you had the right to be so arrogant. And I'm not even trying to say that this line would have worked any better for a better looking man, but it wouldn't have come of so pretentious. Ok, it would have still been pretentious but I guess, it would have been expected?

On that note, I'm never going to call you, you annoy me in text alone, nevermind an actual phone conversation. And you don't know me, at all; a profile does not a biography make. "Get your act together"... The nerve! That's just plain rude, handsome or not.

I have question for you...

On my recent trip into the OKCupid pool of washouts, I found a profile that was not.. horrible. But what intrigued me was one of the personality questions that he had answered, and I had not.

"How does the idea of being slapped hard in the face during sex make you feel?"

In order to see his answer, I have to answer the question. So here are my choices:

1. Horrified
2. Aroused
3. Nostalgic
4. Indifferent

Nostalgic. He he he he. These people are funny. I appreciate their sense of humor but where is "None of the Above"? I don't feel any of these things. Don't get me wrong, I also don't feel like I want someone to slap me in the face - at any time - not just during sex. For lack of choice I will choose... "Horrified". I'm not actually horrified but I don't want to give off the slightest indication that it would be okay to slap me, ever. There should be an option that says, "Aroused and okay if I'm slapped in response". That's the kind of answer I would accept. You slap me, I'm gonna slap you back, but it might not be the sexy slap you were expecting.

And what did this current suitor select... Nostalgic. Never would have guessed that. Lol

Skeptical? "Skeptical" is my middle name!

It's actually Skeptical-Jaded and I'm never changing it. I've always had people in my life tell me that I shouldn't be so jaded and give people the benefit of the doubt - that shit's for the birds. It's only thanks to my type A personality that I haven't been burned severely by said advice. This week only fortified my resolve.

I had an ex pop back into my life with professions of love and second chances last month. He was removed from life quite a while back for lack of commitment and double dipping his stick. But oh, now he's a changed man, or so he claims. He's grown up now, got some kids (which was another point of contention within itself), bought a house, a whole new man. I told him that there wouldn't be any messing about this time. I want to go on dates and junk, none of this "hanging out" rubbish - that's high school stuff and I'm getting too old for that shit. I'm trying to get my grown folk flex on. He's all about that and he could do that and I'm always down for a free dinner. I asked some of my girls about the date and 2 out of 3 of my good friends suggested I go on the date because "there ain't nothing wrong with a free dinner." I was partially surprised by this response, but hey, stay classy girls. Lol

A few weeks pass, haven't heard from him and I'm not begging for a date that I didn't really want in the first place. Enter my over-analytical disposition in it's Google-fu black belt. It didn't hurt that the man hasn't changed his username to ANYTHING in the entire time I've known him. While he doesn't use his name on his Facebook profile, it wasn't that hard to locate his profile using said username. But my Google-fu is strong and lo and behold, there is the man, hugged up with some chick, not last year, not last winter, last month. Memories start returning to me, and I remember that I've seen this girl before.... I think he was dating her a few years back when he still had access to my Facebook profile. Poor girl. I would warn her, but she might try to claw my eyes out in a misguided attempt to prove to herself that this man isn't as worthless as she knows he is - a lá, it's my fault that he tried to cheat on her, not his.

In closing, hopefully fate is kind to this man and he loses my phone number... because if I ever hear from him again, I will unleash an Adele scale, Rolling In the Deep-type massacre on him, the likes of which he has never seen before. I'm over this.

Look Who I Found!!

Opie!! I thought you was dead Op! I hope you got out of the Sons, they weren't good for you.

I went on a date a few weeks ago...

So I met up with a guy at Second Cup. I don't think that's really a date but what would you call that? A meeting? Either way, this guy, we'll call him Mr. Chemistry, messaged me on OkCupid and he seemed intelligent enough and didn't look too bad. He wasn't smiling in any of his pictures, maybe he's not very photogenic. I figured I'd give him a chance.

The whole messaging portion went very well, very straight forward, no complications, no stipulations, easy breezy. We decided to me up in a public place for coffee. He was on time, good start, over-looking the fact that he showed up in the same outfit that he was wearing in his profile pictures; a button-down shirt, untucked, jeans and some mountain/hiking shoes; although he doesn't seem like the type who spends very much time in the great outdoors.

About 15 minutes in, I noticed quite a bit of plaque in between his teeth. It wasn't even like he might have forgotten to brush his teeth today. That kind of plaque can only accumulate after quite awhile of not brushing or flossing. Please see below:

I know what you're thinking, "What did his breath smell like?" Thankfully, I wasn't close enough to get a whiff and I have to assume that it smelled like coffee because coffee breath trumps regular halitosis any day.

All of that aside, he was very nice, seemed really sweet until he mentioned that he didn't fancy the new Star Trek movie. I made the mistake of asking why. He's a trekkie, I am not. He says he's the type of person who was sitting in the theatre pointing out technicalities in the storyline. Ex: You can't use that phaser in this atmosphere it wouldn't have worked until you changed the galactic setting to some-nerd-term-that-I-can't-think-of. Or some rubbish like that. Talk about opening a can of worms! The man proceeded to go into a 15 minute rant about why Star Trek: Deep Space 9 is better than Next Generation. The man was in a zone and I'm looking at him like he's talking in Chinese. For real, I do actually know a little bit of Mandarin; so every once in awhile he would say a word or two and I'd be like, "Ah yes, I know that thing." Then he'd lose me again. 

We parted very nicely after about an hour or so, but I don't think I'll see him again. He was really timid which leads me to believe that I would tear him apart and then walk all over him. He was like a "Yes, Dear" type of guy; meaning his answer to everything would be "Yes, Dear". That might be great for some women, but I like a little fight in my man. On a whole, there wasn't any chemistry.. well, there was a whole HEAP of chemistry going on in his mouth, but that's not the kind of chemistry I'm looking for.

I feel renewed in the fact that it wasn't terrible, Mr. Chemistry wasn't great, but it was better than Mr. Half-on-a-Pizza. *shudder* He set the bar pretty low for those who had to follow him.

Love is like a fart...

Probably the funniest quote I've seen in regards to love in long time. Also, I'm a sucker for a good fart joke. You might call it immature, I call it growing up with a gassy family. I found this a a guy's profile:

Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably crap.

 .. and you should stop while you're ahead. Lol

Who's Suit Is That?

I'm going to assume that you couldn't afford that suit or you would have taken a picture of yourself when you got home. The bad pictures continue.

Update: Prospect Disappeared, OKCupid Appeared instead

This was supposed to be posted a real long time ago but here's a update to the fabled prospect.

So, despite the fact that I didn't bother to go to the hair dressers, I decided to schedule a date with my last prospect. We decided to meet up on a Saturday.

Then, after all of that carrying on and wooing, the man just chickened out and stopped replying on the day of the date. Like, what the hell? Who does that?

I didn't sign on again for awhile as I felt like that site was filled with losers and perverts. After a few weeks I decided to bury my cynicism and try, try again. So, I opened up a profile on.... OKCupid. They have a bit of a different style there. They ask you quite a few questions and you can choose to answer them and rate how important the answer is to you. Some of them are very serious, religious or politically based; others are really silly and I'm not sure why anyone would care. I like it because it allows me to get a grasp on who I'm talking to you. They use them to rate how much of a match you are. Questions like:

How long would you have to talk to someone online before you felt comfortable to meet?

Would you leave an otherwise perfect relationship if you found out your partner was interested in children sexually?

Is interracial marriage a bad idea?

Would you go out with a smoker?

How much influence or control do your parents have over your life?

Does smoking disgust you?

How frequently do you bathe or shower?

Some of them are not so useful and some are downright weird:

Could you imagine yourself killing someone?

How often do you masturbate?

Have you ever ridden a horse?

What's your favorite kind of popcorn when you’re at home watching movies?

Which is worse: starving children or abused animals?

Which is bigger? The earth or The sun 

You'd be surprised how many people got that wrong. Actually, put that last question in the useful pile. Cause if you didn't get that right, I have no respect for you. Today, this man found me:

However, our match profile says this:

This man is almost guaranteed to be my enemy. How can a body so nice, be my enemy? Also, note the tab on the bottom right, normally it says, "The Two of Us." Now it says, "Y'all Got Issues." Truer words have never been spoken. Such a shame though. Why are all the good bodies attached to douches?

Do you want to be my sister?

Found a strange message today on OKCupid. Accompanied by a picture of some struggling abs and no face, I found the following message in my inbox:

Hey, 

How are you? I realize that that this will quite forward but i was just wondering if perhaps you would consider becoming my sister? Just to clarify, this request is sincere so I appreciate you taking this time to read it. I look forward to hearing back from you soon. Take care! 

I was intrigued... So I responded with the following:

Hi, just so that I understand, you're on this site to find a sibling?

I like how he said, "just to clarify" and it clarified nothing.

Yes! Well, this is a very different, unique, unusual, and most importantly open minded thought i had, plus i dont actually have any sisters and i've always wanted one. So as a result i came up with this special sort of relationship where it could be possible to be brother and sister even though we are obviously not blood related. I would NOT want this to be just some online thing and as well, i would want to eventually become extremely close. What do you think? 

Sounds like lyrics to me. Which is kinda nasty cause you'd want me to be like your sister and then you'd try to sleep with me. That would mean you want to sleep with.. your sister? I'm confused. It's possible that he's being sincere but with that being said, the only picture he has up is:

Is that how you try to attract a sibling? I call bullshit and shenanigans. I think he meant to say he's looking for A sister; like a chocolate lady. Lol

I Want Your Feet

That's his username, IWantYourFeet. I can't see this turning out to be very productive, but I'll open the message.

 "I wish I could rub your feet." Keep wishing. Let's click on the picture...

Access denied. Look, it was denied before I clicked on the picture. You look like you want to cut my feet off and keep them in a jar and THEN rub them from time to time. This isn't the first time he's messaged me either. Remember when I asked you to remove the whole online aspect with other opening lines? Add this one to the list. If some one walked up to me on the street and said this, I would run for the hills.

I had to shut him down. If he's upset, I'm sure his mom will console him; she's probably downstairs, as this is her house, or possibly upstairs if he has a snazzy basement apartment. Lol

Is that a towel?

Is it? Or is it a really plain kilt? I'm just saying, if it's a kilt, I don't wanna be insensitive. I don't think it is. Either way, this man is doing the chicken strut, in a towel, on somebody's deck... and that's his main picture. Pickins are getting MIGHTY slim.

Good News!!

.. Someone actually reads my blog!! Sike!! You thought I had a date. Yea, this one person who's at home on maternity leave is quite upset that I haven't given her anything to read lately.

In other news, POF has decided that it doesn't want people sending me nasty messages anymore. I received a message from Markus, don't get excited, he's the site creator; he says:

1. Any first contact between users that contains sexual references will not be sent. Anyone who tries to get around this rule will be deleted without warning. This rule has actually been in effect since last month and it's made the site so much better.

Hallelujah the internet gods are listening. I was getting real tired of people telling me how much they wanted to go downtown on my taco. It really seems as though the whole internet aspect removes all of the manners that you would be forced to have in an actual meeting. Could you imagine a man walking up to you and saying,

Hey what up? Just curious what do u thin of guys in speedos/thongs?

Or how about,

I'd pay a lot of money to go down on you

Would you not scream out, "Pervert!" and look for the nearest police officer? Why is it any different on the internet? And truthfully, what kind of girl would actually respond to that kind of message? I'll tell you what kind, the one who would write the following,

OMG, it's so nice to meet a guy who's not afraid of a genital wart. They're not too bad today so when do you want to meet up?

2. You can only contact people +/- 14 years of your age. There is no reason for a 50 year old man to contact a 18 year old women. The majority of messages sent outside those age ranges are all about hookups. Anyone who tries to get around this rule will get deleted.

First off, there's a spelling mistake in there. Can you find it? I didn't put it there, it was like that when I copied it. I always find it extra funny when large companies send out mass messages with spelling mistakes in them. But back to the point, this is another example of a scenario that would send off alarm bells in real life. If a 50 year old man came up to an 18 year old... Actually, most people might not bat an eye because they might assume it's her father. That is until he asks her how she feels about speedos and thongs and she slaps him across the face.

Thanks Markus, I appreciate the updates, now if only they could weed out the messages with spelling mistakes...

I'll try to post at least once a week for those of you who need something to read.

Prospects aka Phoneless Joe Cont'd

Continued from Prospects

I thought that chapter was closed until about a month ago, when he sends me a message asking me to refresh his memory. I forget that HE doesn't have a name yet. We'll call him Phoneless Joe. Phoneless Joe doesn't seem to remember what the exact reason was that caused me to give up; was it our schedule differences? I told him that this was a factor, but the lack of a phone was insurmountable. 

Low and behold the next message contains.... Ta da... a phone number!! Somehow he managed to get a phone. Now, I'm not sure if he was broke or maybe just a non-conformist but that seems kinda fishy to me. Kinda Catfishy. So I dismissed that message. 

About a week ago, I get a message that says, "I'm sorry I dropped the ball on this one ;)" 

.....

I'll give him another chance. I'm a sucker, I know. Not now, because my hair needs servicing. Can't make the man beg and show up with a bird's nest on my head. Lol. But at least you might get another story to laugh at. I told him we could try again in a little while. He says, "That might be nice. You just let me know. You seem sweet." Awww... I mean, if he pays for the pizza, he's leaps and bounds ahead of the last guy I dated from an online site. Truthfully, if he shows up in something other than pajamas and holey socks, he's the best date I've had in years. If your wondering what date I'm referring to, click here.

First order of business, make an appointment at the hairdresser to remove me from my winter hibernation... at least partially. 

Prospects

A few months back, I received a message on POF from a reasonable prospect. He had excellent grammar and if you know me, you know I'm the biggest grammar whore.

Grammar Whore: One who resists the erosion of basic literacy by pointing out egregious spelling and grammar errors, both online and in meatspace. See also 'Grammar Nazi'

He used words like "perchance" in a normal sentence. After a few messages, he didn't seem too creepy, but alas it would seem that I'm destined to continue to give my friends nothing but things to laugh at.

Let's start with the biggest problem: He didn't have a phone!!

Who doesn't have a phone in what would have been 2012 at the time? Like, no cellphone, no house phone. How does one even live without a phone? I don't even remember how to use a payphone, nor do I know where I would even find one. Not to mention I think those things cost like 50 cents now a days.


He claims he phone broke and he just hasn't had a chance to replace it yet. OK, I was willing to overlook that as a phone can always be purchased. We arranged to meet up at a cafe downtown in a reputable neighborhood. A few days before the big date, he gives me his work phone number so that we can talk a little before we meet.

Second problem; he sounds like the biggest poindexter.

Poindexter: a person who is intelligent but socially inept;

The man sounded like there was a immense stick up his ass, but I was stilling willing to give him a try. Now, when the day came, we hadn't yet chosen a time to meet. I sent him a message on POF asking when he wanted to meet and he decided just then was a good time to go off on another tangent about my sleeping habits. In an attempt to get back to the point, I proposed a 6pm meeting time and I didn't get a response, so... I didn't leave my house. I'm sitting there hoping the poor man didn't assume that this was the confirmed time, but of course, I COULDN'T CALL HIM!! Somewhere up it 9pm he messaged me saying something about missing our "window of opportunity."

I think he really did go to the place and was waiting for me but didn't want to say so. I decided to put a fork in that chapter because it was done. Or so I thought...

Would you like to chat?

Well, do you? No, no I do not, Sir. Did I mention I'm a girl and I don't have one of those? Just don't want you to disappoint you.

All Out, Balls Out

Okay, so I'm going all out, balls out this week. If they message me... and they're not hideous, then I will respond and give an earnest effort. We shall see what occurs.

Sidenote, I know I haven't posted in a while but the new puppy and the holidays puts a real damper on my dating spirits. Not to mention, dogs are the best partners ever. I don't even feel the need for a man right now; I have a dog, and he loves me to the point of annoyance at times. Feeling lonely, get a dog.