Ghosting Mr. Heeeeeeyyyyyy

Heeeeyyyyyyyyy! I'm back. If you're just tuning in, start from the beginning: Part 1

Having activated Ghost plans on the Saturday, I was able to move through Sunday, uneventfully.

Then Monday came. F*king Mondays.

I get this text:

Heyy how are you feeling

No answer. Ghosts don't answer texts. Tuesday:

Heyyy

I think he might be concerned, because the Y's are increasing. So, against my better judgment, I asked some of my friends what I should do. Keeping in mind that the majority of them have not been on a date in years. Several of them said I should send him a really nice, "I'm dumping you," message. Yes, because those worked out so well for me with The Hobbit. Others, suggested that I continue strong with the Ghost strategy and one very useless friend (she knows who she is) suggested that I tell him, "I like horses." I don't know if it's bad that my problem with the excuse wasn't that it was ridiculous; it was the fear that he might see me in the street one day and tell everyone within earshot that I was the girl who preferred bestiality to men... and that I might be stoned.

I joked with a friend that the more annoyed/concerned he got, the more Y's there would be in his heyyyyyyy. Probably gonna be 4 Y's tomorrow. Wednesday:

Heyyyy

I decided that ghosting wasn't working and that I needed to put an end to this before I got a text that was just Y's across the entire screen. It might have taken a month, but I think it would have gotten to that point. So, after a long conversation with myself, I decided that... I was pregnant.

I didn't wanna tell the guy that, since his bathroom selfie, I had come to find him unpalatable. I'm not cold-hearted like that. Besides, I had already laid the groundwork for this story with the vomiting the weekend before, so it wouldn't be that hard of a sell. I found a private spot and crafted the text. I'm lying, someone else did it. I don't do fluff texts very well. They did an alright job:

Hey, sorry I've been MIA for the last couple days. The sick feeling got worse and I was hospitalized for a while. They did some tests on me and found out that I was sick and exhausted because I'm pregnant. I think I need to take some time to focus on myself and my situation, and let the father know. I enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think I can handle trying to start something new when I have just received this news, it wouldn't be fair to you. I'm really sorry and I wish the best in your search.

Not bad, eh?  I would never have written this much, but it also probably wouldn't have come off very believable either. It would have just been something like, "I'm pregnant and the baby daddy says I can't talk to you no more." Or, even better yet, "New phone. Who dis?" Nah. Still kind of coldblooded. Check out what the man said:

It's ok

To bad I would a met you even if u r pregnant

Not with that grammar, you wouldn't. Can't raise my fictional baby around grammar like that.

I told him that he was sweet. And he was... or just really f*cking thirsty. Not sure yet, because a piece of pregnant ass is still a piece of ass. Amirite?

No further responses to that text. Profile blocked on POF, where I found him. Moving on. Mission accomplished... or not.

Would you believe this dehydrated fool created a new profile and found me again, on POF, a month later? I hadn't been online in a while, thankfully. Because what newly pregnant woman is checking her online dating messages. I happened to go online and look at who had viewed me (a little reverse creeping), and I noticed a picture that looked familiar. And my stupid-ass touched it.

In case you're unaware, and you shouldn't be, based on how I got myself to this point; POF will notify the user when someone views their profile as soon as you look at it. You can pay to not have this feature, but who has money for that? Now he knew that I looked at his new profile with my supposedly fat, pregnant finger.

So, I promptly deleted my entire POF profile.

Long story, short, I need new username for my new POF profile.

Cool 90's Up-in-the-Front Hair

Yes, it's been awhile. Not because I didn't have anything to write about, but because adulting, that's why.

We left off with the fellow that I've come to know as Cool-90's-Up-in-the-Front-Hair dude; because that's the hairstyle that he had in his profile pictures. For those of my readers who are too young to know the hairstyle I'm referring to:

It becomes a pivotal point later in the story. I'll just call him Mr. Heeeeeeyyyyyyy, for short.

When I last posted, it was the weekend and I was in the throes of a very, very.... mild cold. It was seriously weak, people. It could have been confused for allergies. Mr. Heeeeeeyyyyyy wanted to know what I was up to... like all the time. I'll be honest, I wasn't really feeling the guy at this point, at least not at that moment, so I told him that I was near death with this cold. Here is a transcript of said convo:

4:34PM

Heyy

Hey

Whatcha up to hun

Sleeping all day :(

Lucky you

Not really.

5:46PM

What u doing tonight

Still sleeping. Feeling really tired.

Sorry

Don't be. 

Why is he sorry? No idea. Probably the Canadian in him. Lol. Honestly, if I was too sick to deal with whatever thirsty plan you had for the weekend at 4:30, I'm not sure why I wouldn't be an hour later. Buddy is starting to annoy me now. And then all of the shit hit all of the fans, when he decides to send me a picture of him with a "fresh shave"; as if to blow the sickness away with his bathroom selfie skills. It did not work. I looked at the picture and I nearly tripped over my own feet on the way to the kitchen.

The man looked like either one of two things happened: either he took those pictures a loooong time ago, or they were taken not too long ago and time hadn't been very kind to him. Compared to his profile pics, the man looked haggard and his hairline looked like it had sounded a full retreat back to the base... of the neck. I've come to the conclusion that those pictures were probably taken in the 90's. This fully explained the dated hairstyles throughout his profile.

I know that we all don't like everything about ourselves, but you can't start out your relationships with a lie because of that. So you're losing your hair. Own it and learn how to love yourself as you are. Or, get one of those new man-weaves that I've been seeing online. Me, I wouldn't prefer to date a guy with a man-weave. I can be picky about that because I don't wear weaves. I think it's only fair that if I don't wear weaves, my man shouldn't either. Weaves are expensive and you can't run your fingers through them.

Real talk, you also can't just pick the era where you felt you looked your best and use those photos as your profile pictures. If that was the case, our profiles would all have high school/college photos in them. Personally, I'd choose college.

While I realize that this isn't as bad as fully catfishing someone, it was still pretty far off from what I was expecting. I should get all of the brownie points though, because I was nice to him in my response; knowing full well that the thoughts of ghosting, had become full plans.

The plans were forced into motion right after I received the next text:

6:21PM

So whatcha doin tonight

Jesus Christ, someone get this man a cup of something, because he is SO THIRSTY! It's the same day, fam! I'm done, at this point, in case that wasn't clear. Ghost plan, activated.

Gonna go back to sleep. Not a good day for me.

R u ok

Been throwing up all day, along with the cold.

Ouch :(

Note: Barf is a surefire way to stop a guy from feeling frisky and the threat of being vomited on is enough to flatten many a man's thirsty ambitions. I received no further texts from him...

..That day.

Le sigh.