Feminism is the invention of a very smart man

I know it's been a while but what can I say, I'm busy.

Ladies, we've all been duped into thinking that feminism was the creation of several like-minded women who wanted equality for all and yada, yada, yada. Fellas, the jig is up!! If you really think about it, feminism have given women the shorter end of the stick in many situations where we used to have it nice.

For instance, we all know that chivalry is dead.. But feminism killed it!! All those stinkin overzealous women who insisted that they didn't need a man to open the door for them, who insisted on pointing out that they can open their own car door. We know all know that you can open the door! Ya didn't have to ruin it for the rest of us lazy heifers who like to have men paying the utmost attention to us.

I'm not gonna pretend that I wasn't there with Destiny's Child talkin about "All my women who independent!! Throw yo hands up at me!" back in the day. All on the I-don't-need-a-man flex. I jumped off that train when I realized that a dude was behind that song. I can picture the conversation that he had with himself after a $400 dinner:

Damn, that date was really expensive! That girl ordered all the most expensive stuff on the menu and then she left me with a kiss on the cheek! This is some bull! There's got to be a way for me to be able to spend less money but get the same caliber of date... What if I convince her that I will "respect" her more if she pays for half or whatever she eats? If I make her think that she's more of a woman because she doesn't need me to pay for her food. Then I can take her out more often but not look cheap... But I can't be the one to make the suggestion... I gotta find some half-wit celebrities and prudes to penetrate the women's fortress. He he he... penetrate. Anyways, what could I call these, hmph, revolutionary women. What sounds important but normally means that you relieved yourself of one burden and gained several others.... Huh? Oh yeah, happy 4th of July dude.. Wait, that's it! Independent women!!

That's right ladies, you've all been bamboozled by yet another snake in the grass. While you've all been out there taking care of yourselves, in more ways than one (lol), they've all been spending they're residual income, and some of yours, on PS3s, Xboxs and LCD TVs. Yup, when you're women's intuition was calling this man a LOSER for looking at the check in the restaurant and trying to figure out what he had from what you had, so that he can split the check evenly, you were thinking that you're showing him how successful you are BY YOURSELF because you can pay your own way on a date.

You also, won't take his money because you don't NEED (insert neck snap here) a man to take care of you. And while that might be true, we certainly would LIKE a man to take care of us. Am I wrong? But you know he certainly will take your money. How come your girls ain't calling him a golddigger? LOL

So that's it. I'm starting my own revolution. I am a preferentially-dependant woman. Meaning I'm dependant when I prefer to be. And! I am not paying for another date. You wanna spend time with me, you can pay for it. I have to: squeeze my toes into some uncomfortable shoes, a bra, who's straps require and instruction manual (so that you can't tell that I'm wearing a bra) and some underwear that will find themselves where no man has gone before, before the end of the night, and pay for it too? You wanna spend time with me hommie? You pay for it. Some men will say, "What makes you any different from a prostitute then?" Am I a prostitute? Well, let's look at the definition of prostitute, "One who solicits and accepts payments for sex acts." The answer is no. Because experience tells me that 90% of these men I date will not be engaging in any form of a sexual act with me if I can help it. So, I'm not paying. I'm gonna leave my purse in my car. Sounds like a plan. Although, I'm sure that with my new revolutionary status, I will have a lot more time on/with my hands. LMAO

Walk left, stand right people. It's not rocket science.

It was inevitable. After becoming a Rocket rider again this January, because I'm not crazy enough to drive downtown, I remember, more and more, why I drive. Why I pay the hugely inflated gas/insurance prices. Because:


a) If someone farts in my car I know EXACTLY who it is (not me of course, I suffer from a debilitating disease that doesn't allow me to fart outside of my own washroom. It's called Shame, maybe you've heard of it)
b) There is to be no nose picking followed by flicking in my car
c) I can turn my music up as loud as I want and you can say shit old people


This morning I was riding on the train and this old man the first TWO of the above three. He LEANED to one side before he passed some rancid gas! He leaned!!! I was sitting the corner of the two-seaters and this guy was sitting in the first seat of the three-seaters right in front of me. He was working on his little sudoku puzzle in the paper and I saw him lean. I laugh a little to myself cause I know a couple of family members who lean, just like that, before the let it rip. Mind you, they only carry-on these ways in the comforts of their own home... and sometimes mine... but that's another rant all together. I thought that there was no way this man would execute "the lean" before punishing us all for the burrito he enjoyed last night. Obviously, when the pungent odour hit my nose holes, I realized I was wrong. Then he had the nerve to look around and see if anyone noticed. I NOTICED!! For a moment I thought I was the only one. That maybe I had just created the smell in my mind because I needed another reason to hate the TTC and he had done "the lean" but he wasn't getting something from his pocket or anything. Just then, a lady got on at the next stop and went to sit in the seat next to him... if you could have seen her face turn up!!! And the scowl!! LOL She went and sat way down at the other end of the train. Ha ha ha ha. Foulness. Yea, yea, yea. He's old, maybe he can't control it. He can damn well control the nose diggin though. The man went mining for nuggets in plain sight and FLICKED.. IT! It's 7:45 in the morning buddy, there is no chance that no one saw that! People don't have shame anymore?


Please people, for the love of my nostrils. STOP FARTING ON THE RUSH HOUR TRAINS!! I don't plan enough extra time in my morning commute to allow me to get off the train and wait for another one that doesn't smell like hard-boiled egg and sour milk.


Four words: Walk left, stand right. Not sayin anymore. Google it. There's songs about it. I swear. Google it.
For the hefty rocket rider, it may need to be changed to waddle left(which you probably won't do), squeeze futher to the right. Either way, MOVE!! Take the elevator. If The Simpsons has taught me nothing else, fat people are considered handicapped after a certain weight and can order special dialing wands if they mash the keypad with their palm, now.

He he he, that's funny.

Therefore, that elevator is there for you. Get your 3 dollars worth and ride that thing till you break it, which may not take too many trips depending on the level of your handicap (how fat you are). Lol. Anyways, I digress. Nothing pisses me off more than when I'm late (which is often/always) and I get a good stride going and some girlfriend/boyfriend feels that they must hold hands, side-by-side on the escalator. 30 seconds later, at the top of the escalator, I missed the train. 5 mins later, when the next train comes, I'm 5 mins late/later for work. Why do the rest of us have to suffer because you wanna have a PDA? MOVE!! Or feel the wrath of one of the longest teeth-suckins you'll ever experience and a cut-eye that will cut you through my sunglasses... or I might just say excuse me. Results may vary depending on day of the week and time of day. OK, NOW I'm not sayin anymore.

OK, am I the only person who notices when the train driver ain't too good at breaking? Like, sometimes, when I have to stand on the Yonge train in the morning, I swear the new guy is driving/learning how to drive. You'll know what I mean if you look around when they're pulling into the station and everyone's stumbling all over the place cause he don't stop with one fluid motion. It's always like, screech...... screeeech... scr.... screeeeeeeeech........ screeceeeeeh...... and then one more right at the end when you thought he was done... screech... and that's when the fat lady falls on you cause she thought she didn't have to hold the pole. Please stop training the new guys on the rush hour trains. It's too early in the morning and there are way too many people on the train for this shit. I miss you Honda.