Catfish and Schadenfreude

Catfish: The TV Show airs on MTV Canada on Tuesdays at 9. This show is the best show for people who are dating or considering dating online. I just watched my first episode and I gotta tell you, it was pretty hilarious.

This episode featured a 24 year old girl named Trina who is an exotic dancer. She had been dating THIS MAN....

....for the last year. Whom she thought was a 27 year male dancer with 2 kids. The host of show investigates the claims to find out if this person is actually who they say they are. Well!! They used some really good google-fu and were able to find out that this man is NOT who he claims to be. They find out that he is actually, THIS MAN...

...a 32 year old, chunky brotha with four kids!! FOUR! You can even imagine the amount of schadenfreude that I was feeling. Schadenfreude is pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others, I think you know the feeling; it's the feeling you got when you read my post about Mr. Half-On-A-Pizza. I can't blame you, it's a pretty good feeling, cause I was howling at the TV when I saw this guy. He is everything he wasn't supposed to be. The only thing that would have made this a complete lie would have been if he was white. I'll be watching this show religiously. PVR power, activate.

Ladies, be smart when you're online; take a page out of my pessimistic  jaded book... if it looks too goof to be true, I guarantee it is.

Say What?

"You have nice hands and arms and legs."

Say what?!? Umm.. thanks, I guess. But uh... Anyways, let's take a look at that photo....

First Impression: Roses are red, Violets are best, I like to have fun.... and know your address.

Can you blame me if I'm not surprised that he's a white guy? Lol. Guy looks absolutely stupefied. But just for kicks, I'm gonna take a look at your profile...

About Me

I support Israel. I am Conservative. I do not have any brothers or sisters. I have never had a girlfriend or a job. I do not drive. I have a foot fetish. The woman that marries me will get a foot massage everyday and night for the rest of her lovely life.

You're a 30 year old man who has never had a job OR a girlfriend.... with a FOOT FETISH! What reason could you possible have to be on POF?

How many grammatical errors can you find?

C'mon, look into my one dreamy eye and tell me that this isn't ridiculous... But he has a smart phone!! I'm sorry but, I will say Good EVELING to you, Sir. I know I'm a nerd cause I'm dying with laughter right now. LOL But if you like him, feel free to send him a BBM or a hookt message (who uses that thing?), he's all yours.

Oh no he di-ent!!!

I know this man didn't really think that being rude was gonna get him a date. How did that ever seem like a good idea? "She didn't answer me today. But maybe... if I force her tomorrow I might have better luck!" You're gonna bully me into talking to you? That's not a good look buddy. Loser.

That's not creepy at all...

"So you've been 30 for 3 months, how does it feel?"

Well, I feel.. wait.... how did you know that? Even if you managed to sniff out my star sign, there was still a pretty good chance that you should have been off by at least a month. Look, this is just a helpful note, that's probably not the best opening line to lead with. I'm just saying, it comes of a bit stalker-ish.

Ooooh, you don't know how wrong you are, Sir.

Yech... Access Denied.

What would you do?

Just opened my inbox for the first time in ages...

"if you were in a self defense class and i was holding your arms standing in front of you - whats a move you can use to break the hold - any suggestions? can you think of a way or two"

Is it bad that the first thing that came to my mind was, "Kick you in the square in the balls"? 

Maybe This Is Why These Dudes Are On POF

I am pleased... ish to say that I found one guy that who's profile didn't repulse me; who's initial POF messages didn't make me wanna get out my red pen and make corrections on my laptop screen. He's 29, black and he likes Game of Thrones, that's a bonus for me.

ONE weekend later and his access has been denied... *smh*

I'm not quite sure what happened; it's like he morphed into a freshie before my eyes. His first messages were eloquently written and had perfect grammar. He offered to add me to BBM. In hindsight, I am SO GLAD that I have BBM because I now have no need to change my phone number.

I think my cousin put it perfectly when she said:

Maybe this is why these dudes are on POF; Cause they have no communication skills.

Couldn't have said it better myself! The man came on BBM popping out questions like he had them written down; like the was his application questionnaire. While that might be an admirable feature to some of you, the man didn't even give me a chance to answer on question before he'd throw in another one. Not only that, the questions were so random. And the spelling mistakes... they make me cringe like a spoonful of lemon juice mixed with cod liver oil.  Example:

Mr. NoSkills: Are you a Christian?
Me: Yes, sort... *still typing*
Mr. NoSkills: Your into sci-fi? *cringe*
Mr. NoSkills: Like space movies
Me: I guess so, what qualifies as a space movie?
Mr. NoSkills: It's in space

No sh*t Sherlock! How do you jump from that question to this? Worse off, why would you ask me if I like a specific genre if you don't know anything about it. Then he started asking if I like comics; I should've known cause he likes Game of Thrones. Then the freshie came out... or at least turned off the Queen's english app. But he said he was born here!! How do I know? I was rude enough to ask. I had to know! Because it was becoming real hard to understand where this was coming from?

Mr. NoSkills: Have you read the GoT books
Mr. NoSkills: I never

You never what? Read books? Yea, I kinda figured that out on my own. This "I never" phrase made SEVERAL appearances in our conversation. Juuuust in case you were gonna make the typo excuse for him.
......
Mr. NoSkills: Do you read comics?
Mr. NoSkills: Or just novel 

No comics, but yes I did read that ONE novel. Although GoT is 5 books in itself.
......
Mr. NoSkills: So u gonna watch the darknight rise alone?
Mr. NoSkills: Or friends
Me: With friends, already have tickets.
Mr. NoSkills: Batman gonna die.
Mr. NoSkills: Its gonna be a smart film. 

I didn't know Dark Knight was one word. Bur hey, nice try though, trying to invite yourself to the movies and all. More importantly, which Canadian says a movie is gonna be SMART? Are you and Englishman now? I believe they normally say that about clothes and such, not movies. Like, "Oy, you look real smart in that blouse." Lol. I know a few yahdies that might say that though. LOL!! I laugh everytime I read that. Smart movie.
.........

Mr. NoSkills: How long have you been on pof?
Me: 1 month. But I was on before. It didn't go too well.
Mr. NoSkills: What happen

Freshie right?!? Try reading in your best yahdie accent. It should sound like, "Wha appen?" LOL

Then the conversation turned to gay people and how a lot of guys are bi-sexual and him telling me how I shouldn't trust them.... Yeeeeaaaa....

Needless to say, I've been avoiding that man like Syphilis. I can't stop shaking my head. We'll give him another day. We'll talk tomorrow. *smh* 

How Not to Crop

Created with Admarket's flickrSLiDR.


I guess people have decided to be nice a crop out the faces of their friends who would rather not be featured on an online dating site. But I have to say, I'd rather see a cut off portion of an arm or maybe a cheek, than some of these demonic looking pics. 


And last but not least thee WORST photoshop crop I have ever seen. The people at Adobe must get so upset when they see stuff like this. There's a programmer in an Adobe office somewhere who died a little when he saw this. A small tear ran down his cheek as he whispered, "This is not what this was made for." Unless he happens to be a little person for real. But then I don't think that he's actually tall enough to drive that car. C'mon buddy! He looks like a child playing in Daddy's car. LOL

What is this supposed to portray?

Is this your way of telling us that you have crabs? Lol. Get it? Crabs! Also, that you have a bachelor apartment, unless you just prefer to watch TV in the kitchen. Hehehe.

Do you smell something funky?

No? Well obviously he does!! LOL. Wait, I got another one: "Hey, so this is the friend that I was tellin you about! This is Bertha." LOL. What amazes me, is the fact that this is the ONLY picture he has decided to post. There are no other pictures on his profile. Like this was the BEST picture he could find to serve as a first impression. And truthfully, as the person looking at this profile, I look at the picture and all of a sudden I can't help but feel like I was the person on the other end of the camera. Like it was me he was looking at when he made that face.... but then I died with laughter because it also looks like he's trying to cut one. He even has the leg lift going! LOL.  I wonder if that's his reaction to someone saying, "Smile!" And that's what he gave them. Could you imagine? LOL I could go on forever, I'm gonna stop. 

Lyrics!! Part 2

Let's hear some more lyrics. Honestly, some of these actually made me laugh, but then again so did their profile pictures. So, although they get and A for effort, they get and F in presentation.


Where do you get your moisterizer from?


I am guessing it was created by the hands of god, blended with roses from the
harvested fields of the Garden of Eden. Its doing wonders for your complexion


Oh, and if you don't laugh at my pickup line, then you have no soul.


I laughed, so I guess I have a soul. Sad part is, he sent me the same message two weeks later. Whomp whomp.


Hmmmmm..... I'm not usually this forward but ..... I can't stop thinking about the
things I'd do to you ......


Does that line actually work on someone who doesn't work for a 1-900 chat line?


You have nice hands and arms and legs and cute toes.


and toe nails and arm hair and pores and nice follicles... He's very specific, especially because I don't show my toes in any of my pics.. creepy.


hi prety


So, straight off the bat you have 50% spelling record and you only wrote 2 words. Was it that much work to spell check? Can't get any worse than that right?


nc pics sumer tm backyard lol


I was wrong. Of the words in there that are not in text speak only one of them is spelled correctly. So that's... 1 for 4, 25% for a 6 word phrase. Why bother?


Goodmorning pretty. Can i be your body guard?


And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii eeeee iiiiiiiiiiii, will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuu..... That would be our song. lol


Wow, you sure are a work of beauty.


Tell me, how does a girl like you remain single? Do you chase the men away with pepper spray or is it somethig more lethal?


Oh it's something much more lethal, west indians call it skrewface. Works wonders for keeping away beggars as well. lol


what would you say if I asked you your top 3 body parts?

My head, my neck and my shoulders. LOL

On scale of 1 to 10 how much do u like it when a guy goes down on u

Wow. Do you know I got this message twice from 2 different profiles? What is he trying to pull exactly?

Hey you are so cute. I am just curious if it hurt..............................when you fell from heaven. I know very lame but I hope I got 
your attention.


If your interested message me back, I am a very funny, easy going guy......

Oh, no you didn't.... steal the Fresh Prince's line! Is nothing sacred? 

lovers are best of friends sooo give me the oppotunity to accomplish this thought with you it most people believe in soo many things but wat i believe in is finding the right person to make u happy either black or white it doesnt matter ,what matters is if both of us can find a covergence with each other finding our strenght and weaknesses and learning to build a relationship of love and trust most especially to be best friends bcos great can only happen if you just give a try of my thoughts....reply plz

Wha? Longest run-on sentence ever and it still didn't make any sense.

Stop the Presses!!!

Holy crap!! So I was doing my regular surfing this evening on POF and I happened upon a familiar, yet digusting face... my ex, from like 4 years ago. He was by far my most disliked ex of the few exes I have. Now that I see him again... I'm so glad I got out when I did!! He's lying about his age, STILL lives at his mother's house and... wait for the kicker.. he couldn't even be bothered to TAKE A NEW PICTURE!! The photo he has up on the site is one that I TOOK!! I have proof too!! Let's take a look...

Exhibit A

This a photo of my mummy (aww) in my apartment.

Exhibit B

Take note of the photo on the right-hand side. Notice anything?!?

That is the epitome of laziness. You couldn't take a new photo? This also speaks to the point that I've been trying to make for over a month now. Take care when you're choosing photos to put online to represent yourself. That's my mom in the large photo and a picture of him and I in the smaller photo. In case you're wondering, I blurred his face out to save myself the embarrassment of people knowing that I dated this ape, not because I wanted to respect his privacy. I care not for his privacy. Now Let's take a look at the profile... lol

If you know him, or knew him when I did, you can pick out the lies for yourself. But I have to say, he doesn't read... like not even a menu. Oh, yes that is his bbm pin at the bottom. I don't know who puts your bbm pin out there for the world to see. But well, I... dont care. Loooooser... smh.

Put It Back On!!

Why would you even bother to put up a picture like this? Your idea of a nice body is severely skewed, my dear. There's no requirement on the site that says you HAVE to have a bathroom shot of you in your underwear with your shirt off. Trust me, they'll still let you have a profile. Ugh... put your shirt back on. Le sigh...

I like your...

Phone? Ah ha! I know what you thought I was gonna say... his cross. Get your mind out of the gutter! There's no room for the both of us. LOL So, guess who wants to meet me? This guy! What am supposed to do with this though? There aren't even anymore pics to go off of. Is this all you are, saggy pants and abs? While the abs ARE nice, your pants are too low. Oh, sorry, those aren't pants, they are underwear. Boxers... or possibly boxer briefs. Is your mother proud of you? (Malibu Commercial Ref) That you're on the internet in your underwear?

Sidenote: 6'2"?!? I feel so short. I really hope most of these guys are lying about their height... by like 5 inches. Lol.

Lyrics!!

Alright, for those of you who don't understand what I mean by lyrics, I propose the following definition:

lyrics
	(noun)(pl)Words, dialogue. To charm/impress with flattery. Ex: "That boy has some serious lyrics."      "I can lyrics any girl in here, just watch."

Let the lyrics fly!!!

One cent, five cent, ten cent, dolla, dolla, dolla, dolla.

I may not look it but I am a surprisingly good dancer. Get me into a fete with some soca and I can whine with the best of them ;)

Gotta love that "dolla dance". LOL

Hello pretty how are you?my name is delon'i have read your profile You seems as a mature and easy going

woman.There are not to many serious ladies on here so if i should meet any one I would love it to be youLet me 

show you what it means and what it feel's like to be with a real man.

Watch it!! Happy day, I found a real man... with lyrics!!

Hey how are you doing today beautiful. Hope you having a good day. It's a beautiful day outside, do you have any plans for today? I loved your profile and would love to chat with you. So msg me back sweetie.

P.S. by the way you should model you look beautiful........ 

Canada's Next Top Model, here I come!! Why did I apply Canadian Tyra? Cause some dude on an online dating site said I should.Lol. Seriously though, what's with all the pet names? Like he and I are so familiar that we should be on those terms.

Sexy stomach..you're not sucking it in are you?

Why yes, yes I am. How ever did you know? You should see what it really looks like.

Hmmmmm..... I'm not usually this forward but ..... I can't stop thinking about the things I'd do to you ......

Riiight... I'm gonna go ahead and pass on that. But doesn't it sound like the most promising committed relationship?

Nice lyrics, but wait!! There's more!! Tomorrow, or the day after.

At least he's honest...

I have to honestly say, when I opened this page I jumped back a little from the screen. I'm really beginning to believe that I might be quite lucrative with this profile pic business.

Daaaaaayuuuummm! So I'm back on POF (Plenty Of Fish) as the speeddate site was getting really depressing. To be honest there are some alright guys on the site. No, I'm not gonna get to ahead of myself as they may be good looking and cray [sic] at the same time. If not for a good date, I'm getting some REALLY good jokes from this site.

Now let's check out this... dude, read the last paragraph:

LOL, the man know what he has to offer. Personality. However, it's much easier to concentrate on words when you're reading a profile and not actually there in person. Unless he's planning on going on the date with some cue cards in front of his face the whole time. And check it:

I still live at my parents house and also work for my parents... I feel bad. He seems very sincere but that is a HORRIBLE profile pic. He cannot look that bad from further away. You what the yardies say, "He look good from far, but far from good." 

Tomorrow, we'll be taking a look at some of the LYRICS that I have been getting on here. I've been back on this site for 3 days and I must say, they may not be good looking but I'm almost tempted to respond because the lines are funny or creative... but I'd have to be pretty bored or sadistic, cause I'm superficial like that and I'm okay with that.

To Date or Not To Date...

Hype911

I feel like pervert. Or someone who can't come to terms with their age, with certain large cat like attributes. He's 22!! He wants me to go to the movies. I'm assuming it's because he's a student and possibly broke, which isn't really a deal-breaker for me, but still. The movies are not really a get to know you type of environment. This is going back to post earlier this week. Does age really matter? Should I test it out?

Knowing you sadists, I'll probably be one a date by next weekend. just so you can catch some jokes when I get back. Tsk tsk tsk... Shame on you all. Lol

What's That On Your Cheek?

Excuse me Sir, you have a piece of some sunglasses... or some bad Photoshop on your cheek or something. FAIL! This gives me the indication that there used to be someone next to you in that photo and you tried to clone her out. It also tells me that you attention to details is severely lacking. Photoshop can be your friend... but you've just made another enemy... and a fool of yourself. Two birds with one stone buddy!! Good for you.

I Think Your Pants Are On Fire

Liar, LIAR!!! Your Photoshop skills need some refining.

1. The head doesn't even match the body. 
2. Which 22 year old has the body hair of a grown ass man. (It looks kinda Sasquatch-ish though, like pube-ish even) 

What's worse is you had the nerve to message me? SURPRISE! I have the nerve to write back. 

I feel like I censored myself too much though. Because.. ya know... just in case I'm wrong. Truthfully, if I am wrong, the realist inside me says that there has to be something massively wrong with your personality that you've been driven to online dating. Like... you used to have a sexual relationship with your car. Could I be wrong?

Not bloody likely. ACCESS DENIED!!

Age Ain't Nothin

Is age really nothing more than a number? Some say no. The courts say it's the difference between jail time and a regular one night stand.

I'm not sure if I'm convinced. I've met guys who were 30 and behaved like they were still teenagers (see my post on the Peter Pan Syndrome). On the other hand I've met 25 year olds who... act like teenagers. I don't think I've actually ever dated a guy who acted older or more mature than their age.
One thing I can say is, I can't date old dudes. If you look old enough to be my dad, you're out the door. I don't really care if you're young at heart, your face is saying otherwise. Lol Different strokes for different folks but... Oh my gosh, I think I might be a cougar.

I mean, Even when I look at guys who are 30 , they look OLD. And when they get up to like 35.... Lawd help me.

Profile Photo Fail #4

I not sure whether this man is going through some hard times (he could still afford a camera and a online dating site though) or if he's scheduled to be on the next episode of Hoarders. Either way, it's not a good look. He could've at least turned the camera away from the garbage bag and other accouterments. I know I'm not the only one who's wondering if there's a dead cat buried in there somewhere. You know they always find at least one dead cat on a Hoarders episode. LOL

The unfortunate part of this situation is that I didn't have to go looking for this guy, he did me the favor of winking at me and drawing my attention to him. I know people try to say that age ain't nothing but a number... but... COULD YOU IMAGINE ME WITH THIS GUY?!?! First impression, "She's a gold-digger and not a very good one because I think she misunderstood the other half of the concept."

Access denied my bald friend. Access denied.

Profile Photo Fail #3

You know how they have Nacho Cheese, well that's Not Cho Hair. That is truthfully the first thing that came out of my mouth. I mean what were you planning to do? Show up for the date with a cardboard cutout of the hair on a stick. This is so embarrassing.

First Impression: I'm having a midlife crisis. I have no hair and I thought that photo-shopping someone else's hair onto my head would fool you into thinking that I'm young.... er. 

Profile Photo Fail #2

Nothing really wrong with this pic. He just really likes Lil Wayne right? Wrong. Although liking Lil Wayne enough to pose for a picture in front of his cardboard cutout is bad enough. This is what the pic looks like when it's cropped for the profile pic.

First Impression: I'm a hardcore gangsta who's besties with J. Biebs and Selena Gomez. So what. Hardcore.

Profile Photo Fail Week

Remember what I said about the free service...Here is yet another unfortunate example of why most men damage their chances straight out of the gate.

What exactly are you selling here? Cause I don't think you clicked the right box. When you look at this pic, nevermind the pose, you can't even see the guys face. It defeats the purpose of a profile pic. First impression given, "I like my ass and I want you to like it too." You could also take off the "e" from like and the sentence would still be true. lol

What the....

What de ass is this? I am at a loss for words. Different strokes for different folks I guess. How do you bring this home to your parents though? Maybe if you don't have parents? I think it's worse cause it looks like he's losing his hair. Can't say I'm surprised that he had to turn to the internet to find a date though. Damn hommie.

I Never Really Felt Short Before.....

...until now.

How comes every single guy is 6 foot something? I had really convinced myself that I was averaged height ya know, but now I think I'm a midget. However, previous experiences have taught me that I can't date excessively tall men... ok, well excessively taller than me.

I'm 5'4 and I can't be standing on a stepping stool to get a hug. But damn, do I feel short.

I'm your man...

No. You. Are. Not.
I know what you're thinking... "But he's so hot guy!"

Really buddy? Really? That's the best name you could come up with? Access DENIED!

I think I should open up a free service that provides advice on the best picture to use on their profile.

My Freshie Sense Is Tingling...

There are a few poses that I can immediately tell are yardie poses, or yahdy, for those who speak patois.

Exhibit A

This is a classic "taking a dump" pose. Note that he has probably put on every piece of new clothing that he owns just for this picture. Also, notice that he's a very freaky guy and he like sex a lot, because others notice this.  

Exhibit B

This would be the infamous "Leg Up" pose. Most times it involves propping on leg upon a car or something that is to be considered expensive. A rock/stone can be substituted if nothing expensive is available.

Hmmmm what picture should I choose?

"Yes that would be the one. This makes me look like I'm seriously looking for a relationship and I'm not very shallow at all. Yes... This is the one. Now I will catch all the ladies."

This One's a Keeper!!

Isn't this what you always wanted in a relationship? I wonder if he actually got an responses to this. Worst part is the "We Match" sections that thinks WE MATCH!! Eharmony eat your heart out.

Political Views Are VERY Important on Speeddate.com

On my boredom-induced perusals through speeddate.com, I've found some very political people. No, seriously, you would be surprised! There were even some people that supported political parties that I have never heard of.

Like this one:

So is that like Liberal?
No, wait, I think this is....

Proud day for the Yardies. They have their own political party. LOL

The Blog is Back!!

So I was reading the Metro newspaper on my iPod and there was an ad for an app called SpeedDate. I decided hey, why not. So the torturous nights begin. The gist of the app is that they show you a profile and you can start a 5 min chat with someone or wink at someone to let them know that you like them. Needless to say, I have yet to click that wink button. Before I even had a picture up - of myself, there was however my pic of Homer's brain scan that was imported by Facebook - there were people that were "interested" in me.

We'll see how this goes. It's not looking to good though. I still can't understand why people choose the pics that they put up?

Example: